quarta-feira, setembro 21, 2005

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Up, Down, Thread Ahead: Wanda Young - Political Correctitude.

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Bonne Bay Newfoundland - windy day
One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, and Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's play Weeweechu."
"Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon" said Rosita.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time" Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please, corazoncito, just once, play Weeweechu with me."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll play Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
Dear Hudson Middle School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Hudson Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless your for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a million pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said, "Drop dead!"

Thanks again!
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.' Ronnie Shakes

TV is a Medium, called so because it is neither rare nor well done. Miguel Ettema

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. Bruce Graham

Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them. Antoine de Saint-Exupery

This person called up and said, "You've got to come and take this seminar. It will completely change your life in just one weekend." And I said, "Well, I don't want to completely change my life this weekend. I've got a lot of things to do on Monday. Rick Fields

In fact, one thing that I have noticed... is that all of these conspiracy theories depend on the perpetrators being endlessly clever. I think you'll find the facts also work if you assume everyone is endlessly stupid. Brian E. Moore

When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities. Matt Groening

Beer. Now there's a temporary solution. Homer

Worst Month of the Year: February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible. Steve Rubenstein

In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was pro da. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One. Yakov Smirnoff

Time is that quality of nature which keeps events from happening all at once. Lately it doesn't seem to be working. Anonymous

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention in human history, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila. Mitch Radcliffe

Great men talk about ideas; Mediocre men talk about things; Small men talk about people. Admiral Hyman Rickover

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. Douglas Adams

Lastly (and this is, perhaps, the golden rule), no woman should marry a man who does not smoke. Robert Louis Stevenson

"Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again." Marin County newspaper's TV listing for The Wizard of Oz

I don't intend for this to take on a political tone. I'm just here for the drugs. Nancy Reagan

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. Roseanne

One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear. J.B. Morton

Ignorance of your profession is best concealed by solemnity and silence, which pass for profound knowledge upon the generality of mankind. Advice to Officers of the British Army, 1783

Too many errors on one line. (make fewer) Apple MPW C compiler error message

Never believe anything until it's officially denied. Margaret Atwood

A motorcycle is a combination of pony, blow dryer, and vibrator - perfect for girls of all ages. Colin MacDonald

In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, 'Let there be Light.' And there was still nothing. But, you could see it a lot better. Dave Weinstein

Personally I do not take a stand on the quaint customs that may take place in the colonies. If they wish to speak in a certain way then that is their business. When the greatest cultural aspiration of a society is to place a MacBurger Bar and Hagen Das Ice Cream palour on every highstreet of the globe it seems somewhat irrelevant to start taking them up on their vocabulary. Phill Hallam-Baker

Science is one thing and Wisdom is another. Science is an edged tool, with which men play like children, and cut their own fingers. Thomas Love Peacock

Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope. P.J. O'Rourke

Like a ski resort full of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls, the situation is not as symmetric as it might seem. Marc Unangst

I'm naturally paranoid. I come from Russian-Jewish stock, so I have a complete sense of persecution at all times. Gavin Rossdale

For a list of reasons why technology has failed to improve the quality of life, press 3. Mike Batchelor

The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who, in times of great moral crisis, maintain their neutrality. Dante

It is not enough to succeed; others must fail. Gore Vidal

I think kids appreciate it when adults actually treat them like people. Little, stupid people who cry a lot. Bob Van Voris

Anyone who thinks animals have no will... has never bathed a cat. Jennifer L. Dziura

It is of interest to note that while some dolphins are reported to have learned English - up to fifty words used in correct context - no human being has been reported to have learned dolphinese. Carl Sagan

Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. Napoleon

The road to truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying bastards. Alexander Jablokov

An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren't. Sacha Guitry

If the birth of a genius resembles that of an idiot, the end of a Havana Corona resembles that of a 5-cent cigar. Sasha Guitry

The true New Yorker secretly believes that people living anywhere else have to be, in some sense, kidding. John Updike

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It also helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. Frank Zappa

When I saw him, I liked him. When I liked him, I Loved him. When I Loved him, I lost him. Julia Lasalle

Well, the first 98% of the project takes the first 98% of the time. The other 2% of the project takes the other 98% of the time. Creed Erickson

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important. Bertrand Russell

Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat. Oxford Union Society rules

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. Dave Barry

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. Elizabeth Taylor

If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have learned how to live. Lin Yutang

Junk journalism is the evidence of a society that has at least one thing right, that there should be nobody with the power to dictate where responsible journalism begins. Tom Stoppard

Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway. unknown

They all laughed at Albert Einstein. They all laughed at Columbus. Unfortunately, they also all laughed at Bozo the Clown. William Jeffereys

If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination. Thomas De Quincey

It is always possible to aglutenate multiple separate problems into a single complex interdependent solution. In most cases this is a bad idea. Ross Callon

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come. Matt Groening

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. Will Rogers

The real hero is always a hero by mistake; he dreams of being an honest coward like everybody else. Umberto Eco

Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody. Mark Twain

Freedom is not a gift from the state, it's the space we hack out for ourselves in the face of the powermongers and their apologists in academia and the media, who have a seemingly genetic predisposition to try to take it away from us. Louis Rosetto

People in the computer industry use the word "user", which to them means "idiot". Dave Barry

Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. Howard Aiken

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you. Anon

In the Norse mythology Loki originally was on the side of the rest of the gods, helping them once or twice using a particularly nast forms of trickery. He was a cunning negotiator with a talent for technicalities. He was sort of the Norse equivalent of a lawyer, no doubt the reason they tied him down in a pit dripping acidic venom on him. Martin Terman

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. Shirley Temple

Thousands of years ago the Egyptians worshiped cats as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. Charles Herbig

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? unknown, open letter to Dr. Laura Schlessinger

True, money can't buy happiness, but it isn't happiness I want. It's money. Bizarro

I understand women, I just don't give a shit. anonymous

The British Secret Service was staffed at one point almost entirely by alcoholic homosexuals working for the KGB. Clive James

Under the English legal system you are innocent until you are shown to be Irish. Ted Whitehead

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. Terry Pratchett

Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list. Yakov Smirnoff

A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation. Howard Scott

The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a beer bottle, they're on TV. Homer Simpson

A child of 5 could understand this. Fetch me a child of 5, I can't understand this. Groucho Marx

After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. P. J. O'Rourke

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. Mark Twain

640K ought to be enough for anybody. Bill Gates, 1981

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. Jack Handey

Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. John Kenneth Galbraith

I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him. Mark Twain

In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations - it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir. Stuart Keate

If a million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing. Anatole France

I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses. Victor Hugo

The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out. Chinese Proverb

Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong. Blair Houghton

Jake liked his women the way he liked his kiwi fruit; sweet yet tart, firm-fleshed yet yielding to the touch, and covered with short, brown, fuzzy hair. Entry in San Jose State's Bad Writing Contest

All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific. Jane Wagner

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy! Jack Handey

Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge. Charles Darwin

If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. Maslow

Any time you got nothing to do - and lots of time to do it - come on up. Mae West

The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple. Oscar Wilde

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. George Carlin

All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. Ashleigh Brilliant

The bureaucracy expands to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

Sex isn't the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

You can fool some of the people some of the time, and that is sufficient.

It's times like these when I remember my father's last words...'Don't son! That gun's loaded!'

Always remember to pillage before you burn.

Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.

Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline sharply the minute they start waving guns around? Dr. Who

The Internet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhoea - massive, difficult to re-direct, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it. Gene Spafford

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to go over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late. Jack Handey

It is annoying to be honest to no purpose. Ovid

Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich. Daffy Duck

Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people and for the people. Oscar Wilde

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. La Rouchefoucauld

In the end, everything is a gag. Charlie Chaplin

Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??! W. C. Fields

Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. George Bernard Shaw

I've been rich and I've been poor. Believe me, rich is better. Mae West

It isn't what I do, but how I do it. It isn't what I say, but how I say it, and how I look when I do it and say it. Mae West

We had a quicksand box in our yard. I was an only child, eventually. Steven Wright

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.

All theoretical chemistry is really physics; and all theoretical chemists know it.
Richard P. Feynman

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town. Jack Handey

Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than we deserve. George Bernard Shaw

I just need enough to tide me over until I need more. Bill Hoest

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. Euripides

It takes two to get one in trouble. Mae West

Don't ever make the same mistake twice, unless it pays. Mae West

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. Charlotte Whitton

Sex is the most natural, most beautiful, most wonderful thing that money can buy. Steve Martin

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. Emo Philips

Child be a public servant. The best balance of music and technology within a vaguely. Written on a T-shirt for sale in a market in Hong Kong.

Most people would rather die than think; in fact, they do so. Bertrand Russell

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. W. C. Fields

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. Mark Twain

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. Albert Schweitzer

If a child shows himself to be incorrigible, he should be decently and quietly beheaded at the age of twelve lest he grow to maturity, marry, and perpetuate his kind. Don Marquis

Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else. Mae West

America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization. John O'Hara

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties. Jules Renard

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. William James

Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools are for. Mae West

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. Albert Einstein

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. John Quinton

There are several good precautions against temptation, but the surest is cowardice. Mark Twain

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. Lily Tomlin

No issue is so small that it can't be blown out of proportion. Stuart Hughes

I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them. George Bush, US President

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. Ellen DeGeneres

If it weren't for the last minute, alot of things wouldn't get done. Michael S. Traylor

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either. Dick Cavett

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. Rodney Dangerfield

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Steve Martin

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' Charlie Brown

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with. Marty Feldman

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. Ernest Hemingway

I'm a philosophy major. That means I can think deep thoughts about being unemployed. Bruce Lee

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down. George Burns

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. Groucho Marx

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. Henny Youngman

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they're going to feel all day. Dean Martin

Money is something you have to make in case you don't die. Max Asnas

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. Jimmy Durante

When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty. George Bernard Shaw

The Second Law of Thermodynamics: If you think things are in a mess now, just wait! Jim Warner

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times. Mark Twain

If a man is a fool, you don't train him out of being a fool by sending him to university. You merely turn him into a trained fool, ten times more dangerous. Desmond Bagley

The Middle Eastern states aren't nations; they're quarrels with borders. P. J. O'Rourke

Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure. Errol Flynn

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. Hector Louis Berlioz

A bargain is something you can't use at a price you can't resist. Franklin Jones

When ideas fail, words come in very handy. Goethe

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. Helen Rowland

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time. George Bernard Shaw

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe. Carl Sagan

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty. Sacha Guitry

A mink on her back, a Jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed and a jackass to pay for it all. Walter Witchell (on Mae West)

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke. Groucho Marx (actually Rudyard Kipling)

Part of the $10 million I spent on gambling, part on booze and part on women. The rest I spent foolishly. George Raft, George Best

What luck for rulers, that men do not think. Adolf Hitler

Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you recognise a mistake when you make it again. F. P. Jones

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup. Eddie Izzard

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. Emo Philips

Do you know they now do eating dogs for anorexics? Prince Philip (to a blind woman with a guide dog)

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. Robert A. Heinlein

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you. Rita Mae Brown

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit. W. Somerset Maugham

One of the problems of taking things apart and seeing how they work - supposing you're trying to find out how a cat works - you take that cat apart to see how it works, what you've got in your hands is a non-working cat. The cat wasn't a sort of clunky mechanism that was susceptible to our available tools of analysis. Douglas Adams

I love Wagner, but the music I prefer is that of a cat hung up by its tail outside a window and trying to stick to the panes of glass with its claws. Charles Baudelaire

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax; tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough. Pearl Williams

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. Sam Levenson

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy - in a jar on my desk. Stephen King

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it. Mark Twain

It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong. Voltaire

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. Errol Flynn

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Sigmund Freud

Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not nailed down. Collis P. Huntingdon

A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular with what's left of your unit. US Army Magazine.

A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools. Douglas Adams

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. 'Hear that?' you say. 'That's dynamite, baby.' Jack Handey

A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say 'How to Build a Boat.' Steve Wright

Anyone who isn't confused really doesn't understand the situation. Edward R. Murrow

As I was leaving this morning, I said to myself the last thing you must do is forget your speech. And sure enough, as I left the house this morning, the last thing I did was to forget my speech. Rowan Atkinson

A jury consists of twelve people to decide who has a better lawyer. Robert Frost

It may be hard to use but at least it's slow. Geoffery Moore

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. Jack Handey

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. William Coronel

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. Anon

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example. Mark Twain

The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair. Douglas Adams

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot. Groucho Marx

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!' He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. Steve Wright

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes humans the dominant species on the planet. That may be true. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. Jeff Stilson

I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. Ed Bluestone

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.' Jack Handey

News is something someone is trying to hide. Everything else is just advertising. William Randolph Hearst

What is it like to be a girl? Is it like being a bug? I imagine that bugs and girls have a dim perception that nature played a cruel trick on them, but they lack the intelligence to really comprehend the magnitude of it. Calvin

Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it. Harry Truman

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. Douglas Adams

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back. Zsa Zsa Gabor

I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the wall that didn't do anything. So anytime I had nothing to do I'd just flick that switch up and down, up and down, up and down. Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany. It just said, 'Cut it out.' Steve Wright

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM, 1943

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying. Woody Allen

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' Steve Wright

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like fries with that?' Jay Leno

I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries ... but they weren't included ... so I had to buy them again. Steve Wright

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. Lily Tomlin

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Dave Edison

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. Carol Leifer

If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you. Samuel Goldwyn

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? Linda Ellerbee

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. Jack Handey

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have. Jack Handey

Between two evils, I always pick the one I haven't tried before. Mae West

If at first you don't succeed, keep on suckin' 'til you do succeed. Jerome "Curly" Howard

Ironic isn't it, that God gave the tortoise a drag factor of 0.03. graffiti

It's better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating. Oscar Wilde

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk. Jack Handey

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. graffiti

Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, 'Are we going to have sex again?' He said, 'Yes, but not with each other.' Rita Rudner

Men stumble over the truth from time to time, but most pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened. Winston Churchill

My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' Paula Poundstone

My name's got 'evils' and 'lives.' It's probably better not to wonder too much about it. Elvis Presley

Oh great! First I get stabbed and now I'm bleeding! Anon

Normally I don't believe in miracles, but something happened when I was about seven years old I still can't explain. I was on the front porch with Grandpa, about to eat my Twinkies, when Grandpa started grabbing his chest and saying he was having a heart attack. I ran to get Mom, but when I got back, Grandpa was okay. 'An angel helped me,' he said. 'Also, he ate your Twinkies.'
Jack Handey

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Groucho Marx

Oh, sure, you've seen TV commercials wherein the Cheerful Housewife, standing in a bathroom, waltzes up to a scum-encrusted tile, sprays it with a cleanser, and then wipes it off to reveal a sparkling shine. But these commercials were not filmed on Earth; they're filmed on the Commercial Planet, where everything is different; where fast-food-chain employees really are happy to serve you; where there is some meaningful difference between Coke and Pepsi; and where 'light' beer does not taste like weasel spit.
Dave Barry

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Rich Cook

Relationships don't last anymore. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'
Rita Rudner

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

Smile things may get worse more slowly. graffiti

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
Rita Rudner

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says 'You'. After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
Jack Handey

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Steve Wright

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
Mark Twain

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. Groucho Marx

To err is human To really foul things up requires computers. graffiti

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
Jack Handey

We're a planet of nearly six billion ninnies living in a civilisation that was designed by a few thousand amazingly smart deviants.
Scott Adams

When you are waiting for someone, minutes seem like hours, if you are talking to a beautiful woman, hours seem just minutes. That is relativity for you.

If pro is the opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress. Anonymous

There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
Jeremy S. Anderson

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me? Marilyn Pittman

If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it.

I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules, including:
* Both of your socks should always be the same color,
* Or they should at least both be fairly dark.
Dave Barry

An economic forecaster is like a cross-eyed javelin thrower: they don't win many accuracy contests, but they keep the crowd's attention.

We trained hard - but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams we were reorganized. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing, and what a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while actually producing confusion, inefficiency, and demoralization.
Petronius Arbiter, 210 B.C.

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
Robin Williams

A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad.
Christopher Case

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'
Jake Johansen

You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little pot belly and a bald spot.
Elayne Boosler

And no woman would want to be walking down the street next to a guy who had cellulite and whose boobs drooped.
Simon V.

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
A. Whitney Brown

I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget. Michael McShane

Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?
Jon Stewart

Why inflict pain on oneself, when so many others are ready to save us the trouble.
George W. Pachaud

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
Lily Tomlin

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
George Carlin

Teach a parrot the terms "supply and demand" and you've got an economist.
Thomas Carlyle

You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
Al Capone

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.
Rita Rudney

Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.
P. J. O'Rourke

Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? Anonymous

Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words: "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and so is mankind.
Jack Handey

Never moon a werewolf. Mike Binder

Politics is derived from two words: poly meaning many, and tics meaning small blood-sucking insects.
Chris Clayton

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
Brendan Behan

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
Charles Schultz

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. Anonymous

Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.
Mark Twain

Love your neighbour as yourself, but choose your neighbourhood. Louise Beal

Life's tragedy is that we get old to soon and wise too late. Benjamin Franklin

Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet. Napoleon Bonaparte

Patriotism is a pernicious, psychopathic form of idiocy. George Bernard Shaw

It is a much cleverer thing to talk nonsense than to listen to it. Oscar Wilde

A billion here, a billion there - pretty soon it adds up to real money!
Everett Dirkson

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.
Emo Phillips

Half of the people in the world are below average. Anon

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. Oscar Wilde

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. Groucho Marx

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. Mark Twain

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

He who can, does. He who cannot, consults. Winston Finley-Smythe

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television. Gore Vidal

There are two rules for success: 1) Never tell everything you know.
Roger H. Lincoln

Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right. Woody Allen

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
Mark Twain

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock. Will Rogers

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand. Homer J.Simpson

"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..." Last words of Union General John Sedgwick, killed by a Confederate sharpshooter at Spotsylvania, 1864

Never wrestle with a pig in the mud. You'll lose, and the pig loves it.
A pig farmer from Kansas

I have a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel!

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
Richard Harkness

Nerve gas is not a toy. Bart Simpson writing on the blackboard

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. Mark Twain

As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take the course he will. He will be sure to repent.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. Isaac Asimov

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting. Gloria Leonard

The Christian view that all intercourse outside marriage is immoral was, as we see in the above passages from St. Paul, based upon the view that all sexual intercourse, even within marriage, is regrettable. A view of this sort, which goes against biological facts, can only be regarded by sane people as a morbid aberration. The fact that it is embedded in Christian ethics has made Christianity throughout its whole history a force tending towards mental disorders and unwholesome views of life.
Bertrand Russell

A theologian is like a blind man in a dark room searching for a black cat which isn't there - and finding it!
Rowan Atkinson

A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnett, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, and die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.
Robert Heinlein

The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact than a drunken man is happier than a sober one.
George Bernard Shaw

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
Galileo Galilei

One of the advantages of being disorderly is constantly making exciting discoveries.
A.A. Milne

It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious.
Roger Berg

Prejudices save time. Robert Byrne

Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal.
Albert Einstein

Only the shallow know themselves. Oscar Wilde

Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
Samuel Butler

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanety to anyone, but they've always worked for me. Hunter S. Thompson

The greatest homage we can pay to truth is to use it. Ralph Waldo Emerson

Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally. Abraham Lincoln.

A ship in harbor is safe - but that is not what ships are for. John A. Shedd

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible. P.J. O'Rourke

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. Laurence J. Peter

An American never insults on purpose. An Englishman never insults by accident.

All great truths begin as blasphemies. George Bernard Shaw

Your highness, when I said that you are like a stream of bat's piss, I only meant that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around it is dark. Monty Python

If man ever manages to built a computer big enough to accurately predict the weather, it will probably affect the weather. Tom Cowling

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. Groucho Marx

It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realise how often they burst into flames. Harry Hill

Rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read. Frank Zappa

Would you sponsor a tramp? A Tramp

Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself; but talent instantly recognizes genius.
Arthur Conan Doyle

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. Dave Barry

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost. Russell Baker

She was good at being inarticulately abstracted for the same reason that midgets are good at being short. Clive James on Marilyn Monroe

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge. Spike Milligan

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
Peter O'Toole

An ambassador is a person who, having failed to secure an office from the people, is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.
Ambrose Bierce

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
George Burns

The light at the end of the tunnel is just the light of an oncoming train.
Robert Lowell

Never give a sucker an even break. W.C. Fields

The only unnatural sex act is that which you cannot perform. Alfred Kinsey

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
Jimmy Carter

If women were meant to play football, God would have put their tits somewhere else.
Gordon Sinclair

Like most men, I am consumed with desire whenever a lesbian gets within twenty feet.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.
Franklin P. Jones

I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit. Mel Brooks

I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.
Ken Dodd

A positive attitude will not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. Herm Albright

If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on advertising then they wouldn't have to advertise them. Will Rogers

These are bagpipes. I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made sound never equalled the purity the sound achieved by the pig. Alfred Hitchcock

Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion. Norman Schwartzkopf

I Love children, especially when they cry for then someone takes them away. Nancy Mitford

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. Jerry Seinfeld

Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living. P. J. O'Rourke

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior'. Rita Rudner

I love fall in LA. The birds change color and fall from the trees. David Letterman

Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur. Jerry Seinfeld

Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I thought, 'Where the hell is the ceiling?' Chris Unger

It is better to spend money like there's no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there's no money. P. J. O'Rourke

He has either never been to Umm Qasr or he's never been to Southampton. There's no beer, no prostitutes and people are shooting at us. It's more like Portsmouth. A British squaddie in Umm Qasr after Geoff Hoon described the port as "a city similar to Southampton"

Most people use statistics the way a drunkard uses a lamppost, more for support than illumination. Mark Twain

One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my pyjamas I'll never know. Groucho Marx

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. Mariah Carey

My speciality is being right when other people are wrong. George Bernard Shaw

The older we grow the greater becomes our wonder at how much ignorance one can contain without bursting one's clothes. Mark Twain

If you've got them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow. John Wayne

When you say you agree to a thing in principle you mean that you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice. Otto Von Bismark

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice; In practice, there is. Chuck Reid

All the usual things: sunlight, trees, flowers, children, whiskers on kittens... but it's all fundamentally underpinned by gin. Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen on what makes him happy

I read my horoscope. The first line said, 'Ignore bad advice.' Fine. I stopped reading my horoscope. Dan Spencer

First, there was nothing. Then it exploded. unknown

A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch. Fred Allen

There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things we know we don't know. But, there are also unknown unknowns. These are things we don't know we don't know. Donald Rumsfield

Quit school, join a gang, is my message to youth. Smoke as many cigarettes as you can. Try the different brands, find out what is right for you. Ellen DeGeneres

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it 'Jumping up and down'. Rita Rudner

I'm fascinated by air. If you took the air out of the sky, all the birds would fall on the ground. And the planes too. Jean-Claude Van Damme

Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective. P. J. O'Rourke

The secret to managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from the guys who are undecided. Casey Stengel

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. Jack Handey

An infinite number of rednecks, in an infinite number of pickup trucks, firing an infinite number of shotguns at an infinite number of road signs, will produce all the great works of literature - in braille. Stephen Webb

In the business world an executive knows something about everything, a technician knows everything about something and the switchboard operator knows everything. Harold Coffin

The tuba is certainly the most intestinal of instruments, the very lower bowel of music. Peter De Vries

Critics can't even make music by rubbing their back legs together. Mel Brooks

Time's fun when you're having flies. Kermit the Frog

I date this girl for two years, and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name". Mike Binder

If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not. Jack Handey

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks. Emo Philips

If you have an ax, every problem looks like hours of fun. unknown

I don't drink these days. I am allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs. Robert Downey JR

I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality. Bob Hope

The most terrifying words in the English langauge are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help. Ronald Reagan

I'm not the man I used to be, so why should I have to pay off his debts? Gary Apple

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. Mel Brooks

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it. Dick Cavett

I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time. Steve Wright

I went to watch Pavarotti once. He doesn't like it when you join in. Mick Miller

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. Andy Rooney

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name. Milton Berle

So many Right-Wing Christians, so few lions. Tee-Shirt worn by American liberals

The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it. George Bernard Shaw

I've no desire to hang around with a bunch of upper-class delinquents, do twenty minutes' work and then spend the rest of the day loafing about in Paris drinking gallons of champagne and having dozens of moist, pink, highly experienced French peasant girls galloping up and down my - hang on ... Blackadder

I quit flying years ago. I don't want to die with tourists. Billy Bob Thornton

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it. E. B. White

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. Oprah Winfrey

Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. WC Fields

Never hire a ferret to do a weasel's job. from a Budweiser ad

Why does a man take it for granted that a girl who flirts with him wants him to kiss her - when, nine times out of ten, she only wants him to want to kiss her? Helen Rowland

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. R. Serling

When red headed people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn. Mark Twain

I believe in God; I just don't trust anyone who works for him. unknown

The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment. Warren G. Bennis

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating. Unknown psychology professor

The rich keep all the money, pay none of the taxes. The middle class pay all the taxes, do all of the work. The poor... are just there to scare the shit out of the middle class. George Carlin

The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views, which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering. Doctor Who

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. Sir Winston Churchill

I asked a Burmese why women, after centuries of following their men, now walk ahead. He said there were many unexploded land mines since the war. Robert Mueller

I think I mentioned to Bob Geldof I could make love for eight hours. What I didn't say was that this included four hours of begging and then dinner and a movie - Sting

Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember it didn't work for the rabbit. R.E. Shay

I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon. Ellen DeGeneres

A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice. Edgar Watson Howe

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. Ambrose Bierce

Vegetarianism is harmless enough, though it's apt to give a person wind and self-righteousness. Robert Hutchinson

Children seldom misquote. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. Unknown

It doesn't make much difference what you study, as long as you don't like it. Finley Peter Dunne

Politeness is to human nature what warmth is to wax. Arthur Schopenhauer

Men get laid, but women get screwed. Quentin Crisp

The only difference between a dead skunk lying in the road and a dead lawyer lying in the road is that there are skid marks around the skunk. Patrick Murray

Wild horses couldn't drag a secret out of a woman. However, women seldom have lunch with wild horses. Ivern Boyett

Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he THINK he was doing at the time? Billy Connelly

Bureaucrats: they are dead at 30 and buried at 60. They are like custard pies; you can't nail them to a wall. Frank Lloyd Wright

I'm like an expensive menu... you can look but you can't afford! Anna Kournikova

If most of us are ashamed of shabby clothes and shoddy furniture, let us be more ashamed of shabby ideas and shoddy philosophies.... It would be a sad situation if the wrapper were better than the meat wrapped inside it. Albert Einstein

There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one. Jack Yelton

Today is the first day of the rest of your short, brutish existence as a sentient creature before being snuffed out into utter nothingness for all eternity.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

If in doubt, mumble.

Once there was a time when all people believed in God and the church ruled. This time is called the Dark Ages.

Men are superior to women, for one thing they can urinate from a speeding car. - Will Durst

One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear - J.B. Morton

Ignorance of your profession is best concealed by solemnity and silence, which pass for profound knowledge upon the generality of mankind. - Advice to Officers of the British Army, 1783

Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope. P.J. O'Rourke

Like a ski resort full of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls, the situation is not as symmetric as it might seem - Marc Unangst

I'm naturally paranoid. I come from Russian-Jewish stock, so I have a complete sense of persecution at all times. - Gavin Rossdale

Well, the first 98% of the project takes the first 98% of the time. The other 2% of the project takes the other 98% of the time - Creed Erickson

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important - Bertrand Russell

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues - Elizabeth Taylor

Executive summary: fuckers. All of 'em - Anon

Freedom is not a gift from the state, it's the space we hack out for ourselves in the face of the powermongers and their apologists in academia and the media, who have a seemingly genetic predisposition to try to take it away from us - Louis Rosetto

People in the computer industry use the word "user", which to them means "idiot" - Dave Barry

Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats - Howard Aiken

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you - Anon

In the Norse mythology Loki originally was on the side of the rest of the gods, helping them once or twice using a particularly nast forms of trickery. He was a cunning negotiator with a talent for technicalities. He was sort of the Norse equivalent of a lawyer, no doubt the reason they tied him down in a pit dripping acidic venom on him - Martin Terman

Under the English legal system you are innocent until you are shown to be Irish - Ted Whitehead

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try to please everyone - Bill Cosby

If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion - George Bernard Shaw

Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny - Kin Hubbard

Cockfighting was illegal in Oklahoma until 1963, when a judge ruled that chickens are not animals and therefore unprotected by anticruelty laws - U.S. News & World Report, 6 December 1999

There is never enough time, unless you're serving it - Malcolm Forbes

In this country it's a good thing to kill an admiral now and then to encourage the others - Voltaire

MANNA, n. A food miraculously given to the Israelites in the wilderness. When it was no longer supplied to them they settled down and tilled the soil, fertilizing it, as a rule, with the bodies of the original occupants
- Ambrose Bierce

When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up... what did he go back to? - Bob Monkhouse

Vegetarians have wicked, shifty eyes, and laugh in a cold calculating manner. They pinch little children, steal stamps, drink water, favor beards - J. B. Morton

Do not touch anything unnecessarily. Beware of pretty girls in dance halls and parks who may be spies, as well as bicycles, revolvers, uniforms, arms, dead horses, and men lying on roads - they are not there accidentally - 1930 Soviet infantry manual

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts - Jeff Foxworthy

Curly Babe Has Hot Deep Horsecock - SPAM message subject

Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs - P. J. O'Rourke

Windows: A 32 bit extension and graphical shell, for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system, originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.
- Unknown

Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear - Unknown

Football incorporates the two worst elements of American society: violence punctuated by committee meetings - George Will

Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is - P. J. O'Rourke

There's a basic rule which runs through all kinds of music, kind of an unwritten rule. I don't know what it is. But I've got it - Ronnie Wood

They wrote in the old days that it is sweet and fitting to die for one's country. But in modern war, there is nothing sweet nor fitting in your dying. You will die like a dog for no good reason - Ernest Hemingway

They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
- Benjamin Franklin

I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes stuck in my nose - Unknown

It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty - George Burns

The Queen is most anxious to enlist everyone in checking this mad, wicked folly of 'Women's Rights'. It is a subject which makes the Queen so furious that she cannot contain herself - Queen Victoria

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year - Mark Twain

Americans want grungy people, stabbing themselves in the head on stage. They get a bright bunch like us, with deodorant on, they don't get it - Liam Gallagher (some mistake surely - Ed)

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society - Mark Twain

Its easy to understand why the cat has eclipsed the dog as modern America's favorite pet. People like pets to possess the same qualities they do. Cats are irresponsible and recognize no authority, yet are completely dependent on others for their material needs. Cats cannot be made to do anything useful. Cats are mean for the fun of it - P. J. O'Rourke

I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota - Fran Lebowitz

There are now more TV's in British households than there are people - which is a bit of a worry
- Prince Charles

If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken Him completely by surprise - P.Z. Pearce

It is unfortunate we can't buy many business executives for what they are worth and sell them for what they think they are worth - Malcolm Forbes

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home - Robert Orben

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level - Quentin Crisp

Whenever a friend suceeds, a little something in me dies - Gore Vidal

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business - Dave Barry

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down - George Burns

Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have to say something - Plato

What America needs is more young people who will carry to their jobs the same enthusiasm for getting ahead that they display in traffic - M.A. Kelly

Most vegetarians I ever see looked enough like their food to be classed as cannibals - Finley Peter Dunne

A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience - Doug Larson

Boys will be boys and so will a lot of middle aged men - Kin Hubbard

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves
- August Strindberg

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house - Zsa Zsa Gabor

The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success - James Bond

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage
- Mark Russell

The creationists have this creator who is evil, who is small-minded, who is malevolent, and who is not very bright and can't even get his science right. Creationists have made their creator in their own image, in my view - Ian Plimer

Dogs smoke in France - Ozzy Osbourne

Humor, a good sense of it, is to Americans what manhood is to Spaniards and we will go to great lengths to prove it. Experiments with laboratory rats have shown that, if one psychologist in the room laughs at something a rat does, all of the other psychologists in the room will laugh equally. Nobody wants to be left holding the joke - Garrison Keillor

London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years - Oscar Wilde

Informed decision-making comes from a long tradition of guessing and then blaming others for inadequate results - Scott Adams

God gave women intuition and femininity. Used properly, the combination easily jumbles the brain of any man I've ever met - Farrah Fawcett

Dope will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no dope
- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers

It is my observation that too many people are spending money that they haven't earned to buy things they don't need to impress people they don't like - Brandy Rhodes

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments - Earl Wilson

Man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much... the wheel, New York, wars, and so on, whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely the dolphins believed themselves to be more intelligent than man for precisely the same reasons - Douglas Adams

I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun! - Homer Simpson

The best defense against the atom bomb is not to be there when it goes off - British Army Journal

If at first you don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught, and then lie - Unknown

Some say: 'Love means never having to say you're sorry'. To me, love means never having to hear: 'Where's my friggin' rent, you lazy bastard ?!' in the first place - John Crocker

Entirely too much energy of our state police force is spent controlling honest citizens, simply because it is something they can succeed in doing - Robert W. Burke

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them
- William Clayton

And the award for worst costume this year goes to ... Stan, for his stupid little clown-thing costume. Let's all point at Stan and laugh, children! - Mr Garrison

Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly - Ambrose Bierce

This is an extract of an National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Army Lieutenant General Reinwald about sponsoring a Boy Scout Troop on his military installation.
Interviewer: "So, LTG Reinwald, what are you going to do with these young boys on their adventure holiday?"
LTG Reinwald: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."
Interviewer: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
LTG Reinwald: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range."
Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
LTG Reinwald: "I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm."
Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."
LTG Reinwald: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"
End of the interview

President Clinton says in this month’s 'Esquire' that he wants the Republicans who spoke against him during the impeachment to apologize to him. But the Republicans today said those were oral insults, and under Clinton’s logic, an oral insult is not really an insult - Jay Leno

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain - Lily Tomlin

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol - Unknown

Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it
- Maurice Chevalier

Consistency is contrary to nature, contrary to life. The only completely consistent people are dead
- Aldous Huxley

I hate the theatre. I also hate the sight of blood, but it's in my veins - Charlie Chaplin

Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be creamed? - Solomon Short

It is a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's seperation to ensure the propagation of the younger federation and the next generation - Eric Cartman

An average blue whale produces over 400 gallons of sperm. When it ejaculates, only 10% of that actually makes it into his mate. So 360 gallons are spilled into the ocean everytime one unloads, and you wonder why the ocean is so salty... - Unknown

The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money - Mikael Pawlo

I drink to make other people interesting - George Jean Nathan

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot - Jay Leno

You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat - Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio

If Darwin's theory of evolution was correct, cats would be able to operate a can opener by now
- Larry Wright

Never try to teach a pig to sing. You waste your time, and you annoy the pig - Mark Twain

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps - Renée Hicks

Trying is the first step towards failure - Homer Simpson

I'm at a stage in my life where I'm having a hard time caring about things. Fortunately, I don't care
- Jack Kolber

One of the worst things You can do as an actor, I think, is to forget your lines, and get so flustered you start stabbing the other actors - Jack Handey

Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in
- Monica (Friends)

Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks - unknown

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks - Joe E. Lewis

If a person feels he can't communicate, the least he can do is shut up about it - Tom Lehrer

I love women. I love every bone in their body. . . especially mine - Steve Tyler

Golf is like an 18-year-old girl with big boobs. You know it's wrong but you can't keep away from her
- Val Doonican

Is there anyone here tonight by the name of Hugh G. Rection? - Moe

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success - Robert Orben

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing - Werner von Braun

While I'm fully aware that money can't buy happiness, I wouldn't mind being known as that melancholy guy who drives the red Lamborghini Diablo - George Olson

You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six - Yogi Berra

My favorite thing about the Internet is that you get to go into the private world of real creeps without having to smell them - Penn Jillette

Do you wake up in the morning feeling sleepy and grumpy? Then you must be Snow White - David Frost

In America any boy may become President and I suppose it's just one of the risks he takes
- Adlai Stevenson

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones - Mike Barfield

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe
- Jimmy Durante

I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike
- Emile Henry Gauvreay

Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business - Tom Robbins

The way I understand it, the Russins are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks - Emo Philips

Happy is the man with a wife to tell him what to do and a secretary to do it - Lord Mancroft

We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities - Robin Williams

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet - Henry Youngman

If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be called research, would it? - Albert Einstein

The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward - John Maynard Keynes

Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking
- Jerome Lettvin

Probably no male human being is spared the terrifying shock of threatened castration at the sight of the female genitals - Sigmund Freud

Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down - Russell Baker

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done - Fred Allen

Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary - Frank L. Visco

A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel - Robert Frost

It is a known fact that men are practical, hardheaded realists, in contrast to women, who are romantic dreamers and actually believe that estrogenic skin cream must do something or they couldn't charge sixteen dollars for that little tiny jar - Jane Goodsell

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin -Jay Leno

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to some one else - Will Rogers

My idea of a good Christian is a priest who can speed-read the Mass, not a semi-demented American with a permanent grin - Harry Enfield

The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm
- Travis McGee

f you suck on a tit the movie gets an R rating. If you hack the tit off with an axe it will be PG
- Jack Nicholson

The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we have of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us - Quentin Crisp

An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax - David Letterman

God created the orgasm so that women can moan even when they are happy - Unknown

Sometimes I find myself thinking, rather wistfully, about Lao Tzu's famous dictum: 'Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish.' All around me I see something very different, let us say — a number of angry dwarfs trying to grill a whale - William Carlos Williams

The coward sneaks to death; the brave live on - Dr. George Sewell

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it - Winston Churchill

It has been said that a bride's attitude towards her betrothed can be summed up in three words: Aisle. Alter. Hymn - Frank Muir

Dogs come when they are called. Cats take a message and get back to you - Mary Bly

The trouble with weather forecasting is that it's right too often for us to ignore it and wrong too often for us to rely on it - Patrick Young

Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way - Unknown

I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me - Bette Midler

I tried phone sex - it gave me an ear infection - Richard Lewis

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone
- Elayne Boosler

Science is always wrong. It never solves a problem without creating ten more - George Bernard Shaw

The shortest distance between two points is always under construction - Noelie Alite

The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country... - Robert J Woodhead

If a man is talking in the forest, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?- Jenny Weber

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasel
- Homer Simpson

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling
- Paula Poundstone

It is a secret in the Oxford sense: you may tell it to only one person at a time - Oliver Franks

People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life - Faith Resnick

There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself - Johann Sebastian Bach

It's a sign of your own worth sometimes if you are hated by the right people - Miles Franklin

I am amazed at radio DJs today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for - Jasper Carrott

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!" - Henny Youngman

The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map - Murphy's Third Military Law

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of - Ogden Nash

His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker - Henny Youngman

Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops - Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word - Andrew Jackson

If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment - Dave Allen

In saying what is obvious, never choose cunning. Yelling works better - Cynthia Ozick

I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring - Mitch Hedberd

It is of interest to note that while some dolphins are reported to have learned English, up to fifty words used in correct context, no human being has been reported to have learned dolphinese - Carl Sagan

I hate the French because they are all slaves and wear wooden shoes - Oliver Goldsmith

The nice thing about being a heroin addict is that you either have no problems or one big one
- Richard Schuldenfrei

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization - Weinberg's Second Law

To carry a grudge is like being stung to death by one bee - William Walton

Those of us forced to read the London papers sometimes speculate about which is greater: the average British hack's sloth, mendacity, ignorance, obsequiousness, capacity for drink, or aversion to paying for that drink. Smart money tends to split between the latter two - An American journalist in London

The great nations have always acted like gangsters, and the small nations like prostitutes
- Stanley Kubrick

There's a huge hole in the whole Flood drama, because anything that could float or swim got away scot-free, and it was the idea to wipe out everything, He didn't say, "I will kill everything, except the floating ones and the swimming ones, who will get out due to a loophole" - Eddie Izzard

You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother - Albert Einstein

I think a man ought to get drunk at least twice a year just on principle, so he won't let himself get snotty about it - Raymond Chandler

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead. - Woody Allen

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you - A. Whitney Brown

Wal-mart... do they like make walls there? - Paris Hilton

The meeting of preparation with opportunity generates the offspring we call luck - Tony Robbins

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!" - Kevin

Talent in cheaper than table salt. What separates the talented individual from the successful one is a lot of hard work - Stephen King

The rules of soccer are very simple, basically it is this: if it moves, kick it. If it doesn't move, kick it until it does - Phil Woosnam

I don't know who you are or where you've come from, but from now on you'll do as I say, okay?
- Princess Leia

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped - Sam Levenson

Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious - Alan Minter

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine - David Letterman

A man can fail many times, but he isn't a failure until he begins to blame somebody else - John Burroughs

Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard - Dave Barry

If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done
- Scott Adams

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive - Rodney Dangerfield

It was based on the idea that all a man had to do was put his penis down a woman's throat and thrust and the woman was as satisfied as the man. Well, guess what? - Erica Jong

Where am I going? And why am I in this handbasket? - Unknown

I'd rather be riding my motorcycle thinking about God than sitting in church thinking about my motorcycle
- Unknown

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling - Jack Handy

It's a good thing the guy in charge of naming galaxies was into chocolate bars and not Chinese food. Otherwise, the Milky Way might have been named Moo Goo Gui Pan, and who wants to have to learn about that? - Paul Paternoster

No problem is so formidable that you can't walk away from it - Charles M. Schulz

In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown. The difference is, the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it
- Billy Crystal

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough - Mario Andretti

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced on television - Erma Bombeck

I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring - Mitch Hedberg

What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad - Dave Barry

This film cost $31 million. With that kind of money I could have invaded some country - Clint Eastwood

If at first you don't succeed... So much for skydiving - Henry Youngman

Four out of five politicians surveyed prefer unarmed, ignorant peasants - Unknown

I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts, and beer - Abraham Lincoln

I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say something funny then." I told them I had just graduated from flying school
- Ahmed Ahmed

I went to Euston: went to the tube and there was a loud bang. and we were sent out! Then we were sent out of the station so I half ran to Tavistock Place to catch a bus to Victoria. And then it went bang, so I thought "bugger that" - "Jeff", London, 7/7/05

The essence of Christianity is told to us in the Garden of Eden history. The fruit that was forbidden was on the Tree of Knowledge. The subtext is, All the suffering you have is because you wanted to find out what was going on. You could be in the Garden of Eden if you had just kept your fucking mouth shut and hadn't asked any questions - Frank Zappa

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper - Emo Phillips

Criticizing TV is second only to watching TV as an American pastime - Robert M. Batscha

The basic rule of human nature is that powerful people speak slowly and subservient people quickly - because if they don't speak fast nobody will listen to them - Michael Caine

Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood - Oscar Wilde

The beaver, which has come to represent Canada as the eagle does the United States and the lion Britain, is a flat-tailed, slow-witted, toothy rodent known to bite off it's own testicles or to stand under its own falling trees - June Callwood

Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

When I grow up I want to be a little boy - Joseph Heller

An athiest is a man with no invisible means of support - John Buchan

Success is a great deodorant
- Elizabeth Taylor

I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house - Lewis Grizzard

Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos - Homer Simpson

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting - Dave Barry

The world is more like it is now then it ever has before - Dwight Eisenhower

Whoever said 'nothings impossible' never tried to nail jell-o to a tree - Lisa Bryant

A cynic is just a man who found out when he was about ten that there wasn't any Santa Claus, and he's still upset - James Gould Cozzens

An economist is a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible - Alfred A. Knopf

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea - Jon Stewart

The secret to mountain biking is pretty simple. The slower you go the more likely it is you'll crash
- Julie Furtado

It shouldn't be too much of a surprise that the Internet has evolved into a force strong enough to reflect the greatest hopes and fears of those who use it. After all, it was designed to withstand nuclear war, not just the puny huffs and puffs of politicians and religious fanatics - Denise Caruso

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is - Erma Bombeck

Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like - Will Smith

And God said, "Let there be vodka!" And He saw that it was good. Then God said, "Let there be light!" And then He said, "Whoa - too much light." - unknown

The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again - George Miller

People who love sausage and people who believe in justice should never watch either of them being made
- Otto Bismark

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs - Dave Barry

Ninty percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad name - Henry Kissinger

Too much work, and no vacation,
Deserves at least a small libation.
So hail! my friends, and raise your glasses;
Work's the curse of the drinking classes
- Oscar Wilde

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit - Eric Porterfield

How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to journalists, and they believe what they read - Karl Kraus

We feel that animals have the same rights as a retarded human child - Alex Pacheco, Director, PETA

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper - Jerry Seinfeld

He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice - Albert Einstein

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by - Stephen Wright

All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do not use a hammer - IBM maintenance manual

Christians are generally creepy people as a direct result of the dysfunctional dynamic of worshipping a dead naked hippie - Jim Marcus

Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em!"? - Bill Watterson

If life gives you a lemon, make lemonade. However — if life gives you a pickle, you might as well give up, because pickle-ade is disgusting." Clifton J. Gray

Penis size is not really important. Like they say, it's not the size of the boat, it's the length of the mast divided by the surface area of the mainsail and subtracted from the circumference of the bilge pump. Or something like that. Donna Untrael

The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting. T. H. White

Under capitalism - man exploits man. Under communism it's just the opposite. John Kenneth Galbraith

Posted outubro 08, 2005 11:05 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

Zeppo Marx' story of the woman who opened her refrigerator and found a rabbit sleeping there ... and ... uh ... the rabbit asks, "Isn't this a Westinghouse?" And the woman tells him yes, and the rabbit says, "Well, I'm just westing."

Posted outubro 08, 2005 11:08 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

The Dying Priest

An old priest was dying. He sent a message for present Canadian Prime Minister, Paul Martin and past Prime Minister, Jean Chretien to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the clergyman held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both Martin and Chretien were touched and flattered that the old priest would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were also puzzled because the priest had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, Chretien asked, "Fodder, what for did you hask de two of huss to come 'ere?"

The old priest mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go also."

Posted outubro 08, 2005 11:10 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar ... but that's assuming you want to catch flies.

Posted outubro 08, 2005 11:12 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

When I die, I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

Posted outubro 08, 2005 11:13 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

Reacting to the recent flap over an aide to the Prime Minister referring to George W. Bush as "a moron," the U.S. President decided to hold a press conference to clear the air. He said he wasn't in the least offended by the remark, but wanted to clarify that he is in fact a Presbyterian.

Posted outubro 08, 2005 11:18 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

Donald Rumsfeld is giving President Bush his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.

OH NO! the President exclaims. That's terrible!

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, How many is a brazillion?

Posted outubro 08, 2005 11:20 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

Q: What is George W. Bush's position on Roe v. Wade?

A: He really doesn't give a damn how people get out of New Orleans.

Posted outubro 08, 2005 11:22 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

A quick lesson in Political Science and Economics:

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.

You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

You have two cows.
One tells jokes, the other one falls all over the place laughing.
An inspector sees them and they are both shot.
No one will buy Canadian cows for 10 years.

Posted outubro 08, 2005 11:24 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

The Pastor's Salary

This is a story about a popular young Baptist preacher, who on Sunday morning announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.

Bubba, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a minivan, to transport their children!" The congregation sighs, and applauds.

Billy Bob, the entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the preacher stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!" More sighs and applause.

Ms. Ella May, age 70, stands and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll give him SEX!!" There is a hush. The preacher, blushing, asks, "Ms. Ella May, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Ms. Ella May answers, "I just asked my husband how we could help, and He said ... F**k him!

Posted outubro 08, 2005 11:26 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

A man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm, his wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache!"

Wife replies, "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."

Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

Posted outubro 08, 2005 11:28 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said: "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed: "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The Blonde Guy opened his lunch and said: "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box! Saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said: "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said: "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the Blonde Guy's wife.
And she said: "Don't look at me! He made his own lunches.

Posted outubro 08, 2005 11:29 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey! aren't you going to pay for that?"
The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."
The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.

A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says "Hey! aren't you going to pay for that?"
The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."
The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.

The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey! aren't you going to pay for that?"
The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."
The bartender says, "Well where is your big black beard?"

The Scotsman thinks quickly. Then he lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!"

Posted outubro 08, 2005 11:32 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. When I get home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and yell, "WHO'S HORNY??!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep.

Posted outubro 08, 2005 11:33 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

An elderly gentleman, very well dressed, hair
well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his
lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave,
presenting a well looked after image, walks
into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the
bar is an elderly lady. The gentleman walks
over, sits on the stool beside of her, orders a
drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says:

"So tell me, do I come here often?"

Posted outubro 08, 2005 11:35 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

A 27-year-old white male resident of Wimbledon was arrested in a pumpkin patch on Friday, and charged with lewd behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.

The suspect stated that he was driving past a pumpkin patch when he was overcome with an insatiable desire. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a jailhouse interview.

He pulled over, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. "I guess I was just really into it," he commented with evident embarrassment.

The man failed to notice the approach of a Wimbledon Municipal police car, and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said the officer. "I walked up and he's just working away at this pumpkin. I went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He was startled at first, then he looked me straight in the face and said:

'A pumpkin? Damn, is it midnight already?'"

Posted outubro 08, 2005 11:41 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone! After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone..." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone..." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night but, Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story? ... OH, Come on ... take a guess! Think about it. And the moral is ... wait for it ...

You can't kill two birds with one stone.

Posted outubro 08, 2005 11:51 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
"What's that?", asked the first old lady.
"A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
"Where did you get it?"
"You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day the first old lady hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely - she is, after all, over 80 years of age - and discretly asks what brand she prefers.

"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."

Posted outubro 08, 2005 12:02 PM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

If steelworkers express themselves best using irony, is the preferred conversational gambit of proctologists innuendo?

Posted outubro 08, 2005 12:04 PM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

A snail took his car to the paint shop and asked to have a large "S" painted on each side.. He explained that, as he sped up the highway, he wanted people to say "Just look at that S car go!"

Posted outubro 08, 2005 12:07 PM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?") "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.

Posted outubro 08, 2005 12:09 PM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me. And my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: always keep your condoms in your car.

Posted outubro 08, 2005 12:10 PM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

The label on the spittoon in the wine bar reads: Grape Expectorations.

Posted outubro 08, 2005 12:18 PM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

Joe wants to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until, one day, he comes across a beautiful Honda Gold Wing with a for sale sign on it. The bike seems even more beautiful than a new one, although it is 10years old. It is shiny and in absolutely mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and
fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body", he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

Suddenly there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his motorcycle, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. The father backs away from the table and shouts:
"All right, enough already, I'll do the f***ing dishes!"

Posted outubro 08, 2005 12:21 PM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow Into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said... "HELLLLOWW ... You gotta roll up the windows..."

Posted outubro 08, 2005 12:23 PM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom. The other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!" "IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom .....

((Are you ready for this!!??))

"we haven't even swept together!!!"

Posted outubro 08, 2005 12:23 PM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He would stay up all night wondering if there was a dog.

Posted outubro 08, 2005 12:25 PM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

Three East Europeans were out hiking when they were attacked by two bears: a male and a female. The Pole escaped unharmed; the Romanian had some cuts and bruises from the female; but ...

the Czech was in the male.

Posted outubro 08, 2005 12:26 PM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

There has been little evidence of Iraqi weapons of mass destruction. Did U.S. President George W. Bush possibly mean the "axes" of evil?

Posted outubro 08, 2005 12:29 PM by Blogger David Wilson /  

this is from my friend Berni:

a duck comes into a bar and says to the barman - any bread?
barman says - no
duck says again - any bread?
barman says - no
duck says again - any bread?

barman says - no, and if you ask me one more time i'll nail your beak to the bar to shut you up

duck says - any nails?
barman says - no
duck says - any bread?

Posted outubro 08, 2005 12:33 PM by Blogger David Wilson /  

these are from Berni too:

Having a bad day ?

There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery... as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays. So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11... the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.

A terrorist didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There, now, feeling better?

Posted outubro 08, 2005 12:34 PM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

In the next Dirty Harry Potter movie, Dumbledore, now played by Clint Eastwood, is heard to exclaim: "Go ahead, make my fortnight!"

Posted outubro 08, 2005 12:42 PM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a Revenue Commissioners badge and dull grey suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust a Civil Servant!"

"What do you have to lose? says the genie. You've got no transportation, and It looks like you're a goner anyway!" The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink." ***POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish?" "My second wish is that I want to be rich beyond my wildest dreams." ***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon.

And the moral of the story? If a Taxman offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

Posted outubro 08, 2005 12:49 PM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

Analogies and Metaphors:

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a Guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he wasroom-temperature Canadian beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p. m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

"Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the
impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

Posted outubro 08, 2005 12:52 PM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"

She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!" Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously," Pierre what on earth do you think you are doing?"

Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

Posted outubro 08, 2005 12:59 PM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous blonde sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy your dinner to
make it up to you,” she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ... and stay for breakfast. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!

“You know,” he says, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”.

“No,” she replies ...”

... Wait for it ...

“You just happened to catch my eye.”

Posted outubro 08, 2005 1:04 PM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire. The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over."The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you a head start." The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM! He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dangit... third gay rooster I bought this month."

The moral of this story ... Don't mess with us old folks ... age and treachery will overcome youth and skill!

Posted outubro 09, 2005 7:04 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Posted outubro 09, 2005 7:09 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the
welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees". The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm quite satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no.

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool!!!! For weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!"

Posted outubro 09, 2005 7:11 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

How do you stop the bacon from curling in the pan? - Take away their little brooms!

Posted outubro 09, 2005 7:16 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  


1. Can a man legally marry his widow's sister in the state of California?

2. Clara Clatter was born on December 27th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

3. Even if they are starving, natives living in the Arctic will never eat a penguin's egg. Why not?

4. Forward I am heavy, but backward I am not. What am I?

5. How are a jeweler and a jailer alike?

6. How many bricks does it take to complete a building made of brick?

7. I have a head like a cat. I have feet like at cat. But I am not a cat. What am I?

8. I know a word of letters three, Add two and fewer there will be.

9. If a rooster laid a brown egg and a white egg, what kind of chicks would hatch?

10. If you were to take two apples from three apples, how many would you have?

11. I'm not an airplane, but I can fly through the sky. I'm not a river, but I'm full of water. What am I?

12. In a tunnel of darkness lies a beast of iron. It can only attack when pulled back. What is it?

13. In Okmulgee, Oklahoma, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

14. In what year did Christmas Day and New Year's Day fall in the same year?

15. What wears shoes but does not walk?

16. I am used to bat with, yet I never get a hit. I am near a ball, yet it is never thrown. What am I?

17. Which burns longer, a red candle or a white one?

18. What always speaks the truth but doesn't say a word?

19. What always comes into a house through the keyhole?

1. No, because he's dead.
2. She lives in the Southern Hemisphere, where the seasons are reversed.
3. Penguins are native to Antarctica.
4. A ton.
5. The jeweler sells watches and the jailer watches cells.
6. Only one - the "last" one.
7. A kitten.
8. Few.
9. None. Roosters don't lay eggs!
10. Two, what you take is what you have.
11. A cloud.
12. A bullet.
13. You can't take a picture with a wooden leg! You need a camera.
14. It happens every year.
15. A footpath.
16. Eyelashes.
17. Neither, both burn shorter (not longer).
18. A mirror.
19. A key

Posted outubro 09, 2005 7:18 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" Helloooo!," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

Posted outubro 09, 2005 7:22 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

There were two brothers. One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful. His brother, on the other hand, was bad and did all the things that men should not do in life and didn't care who he hurt.

The bad brother died. He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways. Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there, and he was very happy.

One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead.

The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother. So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother. He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other. Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with you. It is so beautiful here and I love it But I don't understand, if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer &a gorgeous blonde? It hardly seems like a punishment".

God said to him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son ... The keg has a hole in it ... and the blonde does not."

Posted outubro 09, 2005 7:23 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

What does a dyslexic frog yell when a tree falls in the woods? "Tibbir!"

Posted outubro 09, 2005 7:25 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

I was playing poker with a ghost. He bet on five hearts, but I won with a full house. The spirit was willing, but the flush was weak.

Posted outubro 09, 2005 7:30 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

A shepherd was looking after his sheep on the edge of a deserted road.

Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wristwatch and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the shepherd "If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"

The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the grazing sheep and replies "Okay".

The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA website, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer. He looks at the shepherd and says "You have exactly 1586 sheep here."

The shepherd answers "That's correct; you can have your sheep."

The young man takes an animal and puts it in the back of his Porsche.

The shepherd looks at him and asks "If I can guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?" The young man answers "Yes, why not?"

The shepherd says "You are a consultant."

"How did you know?" asks the young man.

"Very simple" answers the shepherd:
"First, you came here without being called; Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew; Third, you don't know anything about my business.

Now, can I have my dog back?"

Posted outubro 09, 2005 7:32 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

A man in a hot-air balloon realised that he was lost. Upon reducing altitude he spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised a friend that I would meet him an hour ago; but I don’t know where I am.”

The man below replied, “You are in a hot-air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.
“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything that you told me is technically correct; but I have no idea of what to make of your information, and the fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been of much help so far.”

The man below responded, “You must be a manager.”
“I am” replied the balloonist. “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the man, “you do not know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position that you were in before we met; but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

Posted outubro 09, 2005 7:34 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

A midget ran away from a Prague circus and arrived at a farmhouse looking for shelter. "Can you cache a small Czech?" he asked.

Posted outubro 09, 2005 7:35 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

A midget fortune teller escaped from prison one night. The following day, the newspaper's headline read: "Small Medium at Large."

Posted outubro 09, 2005 7:40 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Jack loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Finally George looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell Jack's wife?" They draw straws and Frank picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Frank goes over to Jack's apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. He declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Frank says, "I'll go tell him."

Posted outubro 09, 2005 7:46 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both the teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed.

The American managers decided the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "Management Team" made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 persons steering and one person rowing.

So the American managers hired a consulting company and paid them an incredible amount of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, pizza's, and free pens for the rower. "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichments through this quality program."

The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. Then they distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.

Thank goodness this is just a story and this sort of thing doesn't happen in real life, eh?

Posted outubro 09, 2005 7:51 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

This is reported to be Leonard Cohen's favourite:

A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He's playing in the water, she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there, he has been swept away. The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries "Lord, how could you?

"Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I kept a kosher home? Haven't I given to charity?  Haven't I lit candles every Friday night? Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"
A voice booms from the sky, "All right already!" A moment later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there. He is smiling and splashing around as if nothing had happened. The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied now?"
She responds, "He had a hat ..."

Posted outubro 09, 2005 7:59 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defence:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.

Posted outubro 09, 2005 8:01 AM by Blogger David Wilson /  

Another one from my friend Berni:

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with catsup.

Posted outubro 09, 2005 8:13 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

George Bush has received a coded message from Bin Laden.


Posted outubro 09, 2005 8:18 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Saskatchewan. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Saskatchewan. We settle small disagreements like this with the Saskatchewan Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Saskatchewan Three Kick Rule!? The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that He could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

Posted outubro 09, 2005 8:21 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

You should know about the most recently discovered element - Governmentium:

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element known to science. The new element has been tentatively named "Governmentium ." Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."

You will know it when you see it.

Posted outubro 09, 2005 8:29 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix-up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but in his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before!

When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest wife, Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow. Your loving husband.

P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

Posted outubro 09, 2005 8:32 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went un-noticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote the song "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in ... and then the trouble started ...

Posted outubro 09, 2005 8:35 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one. The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin race,
Aboon them a you take your place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Blair is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

"Some hae meat and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the PM moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee, sleekit, cowerin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
Wi bickering brattle!
I wad be laith to rin an' chase thee,
wi' murdering prattle!"

Now seriously troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "What kind of facility is this? A mental ward?"

"No", replies the doctor. "This is the Serious Burns Unit."

Posted outubro 09, 2005 8:48 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he's just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "he couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean,"you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it is, but useless in a fight."

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, are stumbling home from the pub late one night and find themselves on the road leading past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died." Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy? Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

An Irishman who has had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. Please don't tell me.." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen,Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father.." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun ."

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, and sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either".

Posted outubro 09, 2005 8:52 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

San Francisco Man Becomes First American To Grasp Significance Of Irony:

Jay Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of irony. "It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?" and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather". Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.

Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use irony himself in future. "I'm, like, using it all the time" he said. "Just last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them and I said "Hey, great weather."

Posted outubro 09, 2005 9:02 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

Three turtles, Joe, Steve and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. So Joe packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the beers and says, 'Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.' 'I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says. 'I thought you packed it.'

Joe gets worried. He turns to Raymond. 'Raymond, do you have the bottle opener?' Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without beer.

Joe & Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily.

Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. 'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.' Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out to the diner down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.

But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says: 'I knew it! ... I'm not going!'

Posted outubro 09, 2005 9:11 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

A young man graduated from a University with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the rural newspaper that hired him was to write a human interest story. He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself and proceeded to explain why he was there. The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?" The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all screwed it and then took it back home." "I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?" After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home. "Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?" The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once."

Posted outubro 09, 2005 9:15 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed," she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.

Posted outubro 09, 2005 9:17 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter.  Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.  The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.  Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replies. .."Divorce Attorney."

Posted outubro 09, 2005 9:26 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

Q: Is Hell exothermic (giving off heat) or Endothermic (absorbing heat)?

A: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.  I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to be by Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "... that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you." and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

Posted outubro 09, 2005 9:31 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

One Saturday afternoon, a man is sitting in his lawn chair, drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn. The lady from across the street is so outraged at this that she comes over and shouts at him, "You should be hung!!"

To which he calmly replies, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."

Posted outubro 09, 2005 9:34 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in South Louisiana recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" "Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese are my pet fish." "Pet fish?!" "Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim 'round for a while. I whistle and dey jump rat back into dere ice chests and I take dem home." "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said,"It's de truth ma' fren, I'll show you. It really works." "Okay, I've GOT to see this!" The Cajun poured the fish in to the bayou and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well ?"

"Well, what?" said the Cajun.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"

Posted outubro 28, 2005 4:24 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

On the day of their 50th anniversary, the reminiscing wife finds the negligee she wore on her wedding night and puts it on. Then she goes to her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looks up from his newspaper and says, "Yes, dear, I do. You wore the same negligee the night we were married."

She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nods and says, "Yes, dear, I still remember". "Well, what was it?" she asks.

He's not much in the mood for this, but he sighs and responds, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said, 'Oh, baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.'"

She giggles and says, "Yes, dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now, it's fifty years later and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"

He looks her up and down, and replies, "Mission accomplished."

Posted novembro 06, 2005 3:40 PM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

Your pajamas have duckies on them. Why did you switch from choo-choos?

The whistles kept waking me up at night.

Posted novembro 08, 2005 6:36 PM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

Posted novembro 13, 2005 5:29 PM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

When God made Man, he made him out of string.
He had a little left, so He left a little thing.
When God made Woman, He made her out of lace.
He didn't have enough, so He left a little place.
Here's to God!

Here's to it and through it and to it again
To suck it and to screw it and to screw it again
So in with it out with it
Lord work his will with it
May you always want to do it again.

Here's to an hour of sweet repose,
Tummy to tummy and toes to toes,
Then after an hour of such delight,
It's fanny to fanny for the rest of the night.

Here's to the top
And here's to the middle
Let's hope tonight
We all get a little.

Here's to the bee that stung the bull
That started the bull to bucking
Here's to Adam who ate the first apple
And started the world to... Eating apples !!!

May you live as long as you want to;
May you want to as long as you live.
If I'm asleep when you want to, wake me;
If I'm awake and don't want to, make me.

Posted novembro 13, 2005 6:43 PM by Blogger David Wilson /  

Abbott: Well Costello, I'm going to New York with you. You know Bucky Harris, the Yankee's manager, gave me a job as coach for as long as you're on the team.

Costello: Look Abbott, if you're the coach, you must know all the players.

Abbott: I certainly do.

Costello: Well you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team.

Abbott: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names.

Costello: You mean funny names?

Abbott: Strange names, pet names...like Dizzy Dean...

Costello: His brother Daffy.

Abbott: Daffy Dean...

Costello: And their French cousin.

Abbott: French?

Costello: Goofè.

Abbott: Goofè Dean. Well, let's see, we have on the bags, Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third...

Costello: That's what I want to find out.

Abbott: I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.

Costello: Are you the manager?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: You gonna be the coach too?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: And you don't know the fellows' names?

Abbott: Well I should.

Costello: Well then who's on first?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: I mean the fellow's name.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy on first.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The first baseman.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy playing...

Abbott: Who is on first!

Costello: I'm asking YOU who's on first.

Abbott: That's the man's name.

Costello: That's who's name?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.

Abbott: That's it.

Costello: That's who?

Abbott: Yes.


Costello: Look, you gotta first baseman?

Abbott: Certainly.

Costello: Who's playing first?

Abbott: That's right.

Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?

Abbott: Every dollar of it.

Costello: All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name on first base.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy that gets...

Abbott: That's it.

Costello: Who gets the money...

Abbott: He does, every dollar. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

Costello: Whose wife?

Abbott: Yes.


Abbott: What's wrong with that?

Costello: Look, all I wanna know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name?

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: How does he sign...

Abbott: That's how he signs it.

Costello: Who?

Abbott: Yes.


Costello: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base.

Abbott: No. What is on second base.

Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.

Abbott: Who's on first.

Costello: One base at a time!

Abbott: Well, don't change the players around.

Costello: I'm not changing nobody!

Abbott: Take it easy, buddy.

Costello: I'm only asking you, who's the guy on first base?

Abbott: That's right.

Costello: Ok.

Abbott: All right.


Costello: What's the guy's name on first base?

Abbott: No. What is on second.

Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.

Abbott: Who's on first.

Costello: I don't know.

Abbott: He's on third, we're not talking about him.

Costello: Now how did I get on third base?

Abbott: Why you mentioned his name.

Costello: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?

Abbott: No. Who's playing first.

Costello: What's on first?

Abbott: What's on second.

Costello: I don't know.

Abbott: He's on third.

Costello: There I go, back on third again!


Costello: Would you just stay on third base and don't go off it.

Abbott: All right, what do you want to know?

Costello: Now who's playing third base?

Abbott: Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?

Costello: What am I putting on third.

Abbott: No. What is on second.

Costello: You don't want who on second?

Abbott: Who is on first.

Costello: I don't know.

Abbott & Costello Together:Third base!


Costello: Look, you gotta outfield?

Abbott: Sure.

Costello: The left fielder's name?

Abbott: Why.

Costello: I just thought I'd ask you.

Abbott: Well, I just thought I'd tell ya.

Costello: Then tell me who's playing left field.

Abbott: Who's playing first.

Costello: I'm not... stay out of the infield! I want to know what's the guy's name in left field?

Abbott: No, What is on second.

Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.

Abbott: Who's on first!

Costello: I don't know.

Abbott & Costello Together: Third base!


Costello: The left fielder's name?

Abbott: Why.

Costello: Because!

Abbott: Oh, he's centerfield.


Costello: Look, You gotta pitcher on this team?

Abbott: Sure.

Costello: The pitcher's name?

Abbott: Tomorrow.

Costello: You don't want to tell me today?

Abbott: I'm telling you now.

Costello: Then go ahead.

Abbott: Tomorrow!

Costello: What time?

Abbott: What time what?

Costello: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?

Abbott: Now listen. Who is not pitching.

Costello: I'll break your arm, you say who's on first! I want to know what's the pitcher's name?

Abbott: What's on second.

Costello: I don't know.

Abbott & Costello Together: Third base!


Costello: Gotta a catcher?

Abbott: Certainly.

Costello: The catcher's name?

Abbott: Today.

Costello: Today, and tomorrow's pitching.

Abbott: Now you've got it.

Costello: All we got is a couple of days on the team.


Costello: You know I'm a catcher too.

Abbott: So they tell me.

Costello: I get behind the plate to do some fancy catching, Tomorrow's pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up. Now the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me, being a good catcher, I'm gonna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?

Abbott: Now that's the first thing you've said right.

Costello: I don't even know what I'm talking about!


Abbott: That's all you have to do.

Costello: Is to throw the ball to first base.

Abbott: Yes!

Costello: Now who's got it?

Abbott: Naturally.


Costello: Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta get it. Now who has it?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: Who?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: Naturally?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.

Abbott: No you don't, you throw the ball to Who.

Costello: Naturally.

Abbott: That's different.

Costello: That's what I said.

Abbott: You're not saying it...

Costello: I throw the ball to Naturally.

Abbott: You throw it to Who.

Costello: Naturally.

Abbott: That's it.

Costello: That's what I said!

Abbott: You ask me.

Costello: I throw the ball to who?

Abbott: Naturally.

Costello: Now you ask me.

Abbott: You throw the ball to Who?

Costello: Naturally.

Abbott: That's it.

Costello: Same as you! Same as YOU! I throw the ball to who. Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don't Know. I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow, Triple play. Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know! He's on third and I don't give a darn!

Abbott: What?

Costello: I said I don't give a darn!

Abbott: Oh, that's our shortstop.

Posted novembro 13, 2005 6:47 PM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

The Argument Sketch

From "Monty Python's Previous Record" and "Monty Python's Instant Record Collection"
Originally transcribed by Dan Kay (dan@reed.uucp)
Fixed up and Added "Complaint" and "Being Hit On The Head lessons" Aug/ 87 by Tak Ariga (tak@gpu.utcs.toronto.edu)

The Cast (in order of appearance.)
M= Man looking for an argument
R= Receptionist
Q= Abuser
A= Arguer (John Cleese)
C= Complainer (Eric Idle)
H= Head Hitter

M: Ah. I'd like to have an argument, please.
R: Certainly sir. Have you been here before?
M: No, I haven't, this is my first time.
R: I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
M: Well, what is the cost?
R: Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
M: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one and then see how it goes.
R: Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment.
R: Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory.
Ahh yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12.
M: Thank you.

(Walks down the hall. Opens door.)

M: Well, I was told outside that...
Q: Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
M: What?
Q: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, maloderous, pervert!!!
M: Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand...!!
Q: OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse.
M: Oh, I see, well, that explains it.
Q: Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor.
M: Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.
Q: Not at all.
M: Thank You.
(Under his breath) Stupid git!!

(Walk down the corridor)
M: (Knock)
A: Come in.
M: Ah, Is this the right room for an argument?
A: I told you once.
M: No you haven't.
A: Yes I have.
M: When?
A: Just now.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: You didn't
A: I did!
M: You didn't!
A: I'm telling you I did!
M: You did not!!
A: Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour?
M: Oh, just the five minutes.
A: Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.
M: You most certainly did not.
A: Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you.
M: No you did not.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: You didn't.
A: Did.
M: Oh look, this isn't an argument.
A: Yes it is.
M: No it isn't. It's just contradiction.
A: No it isn't.
M: It is!
A: It is not.
M: Look, you just contradicted me.
A: I did not.
M: Oh you did!!
A: No, no, no.
M: You did just then.
A: Nonsense!
M: Oh, this is futile!
A: No it isn't.
M: I came here for a good argument.
A: No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.
M: An argument isn't just contradiction.
A: It can be.
M: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
A: No it isn't.
M: Yes it is! It's not just contradiction.
A: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
M: Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.'
A: Yes it is!
M: No it isn't!

A: Yes it is!
M: Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.
(short pause)
A: No it isn't.
M: It is.
A: Not at all.
M: Now look.
A: (Rings bell) Good Morning.
M: What?
A: That's it. Good morning.
M: I was just getting interested.
A: Sorry, the five minutes is up.
M: That was never five minutes!
A: I'm afraid it was.
M: It wasn't.
A: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.
M: What?!
A: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
M: Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh come on!
A: (Hums)
M: Look, this is ridiculous.
A: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
M: Oh, all right.
(pays money)
A: Thank you.
short pause
M: Well?
A: Well what?
M: That wasn't really five minutes, just now.
A: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
M: I just paid!
A: No you didn't.
A: No you didn't.
M: Look, I don't want to argue about that.
A: Well, you didn't pay.
M: Aha. If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? I Got you!
A: No you haven't.
M: Yes I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid.
A: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
M: Oh I've had enough of this.
A: No you haven't.
M: Oh Shut up.

(Walks down the stairs. Opens door.)

M: I want to complain.
C: You want to complain! Look at these shoes. I've only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through.
M: No, I want to complain about...
C: If you complain nothing happens, you might as well not bother.
M: Oh!
C: Oh my back hurts, it's not a very fine day and I'm sick and tired of this office.

(Slams door. walks down corridor, opens next door.)

M: Hello, I want to... Ooooh!
H: No, no, no. Hold your head like this, then go Waaah. Try it again.
M: uuuwwhh!!
H: Better, Better, but Waah, Waah! Put your hand there.
M: No.
H: Now..
M: Waaaaah!!!
H: Good, Good! That's it.
M: Stop hitting me!!
H: What?
M: Stop hitting me!!
H: Stop hitting you?
M: Yes!
H: Why did you come in here then?
M: I wanted to complain.
H: Oh no, that's next door. It's being-hit-on-the-head lessons in here.
M: What a stupid concept.

Posted novembro 17, 2005 5:03 PM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

A woman calls an import parts warehouse and asks for a 28-
ounce water pump. "A what?" says the confused parts guy.
"My husband says he needs a 28-ounce water pump."

"A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car does it fit?"

"A Datsun."

As the parts guy writes down "Datsun, 28 oz. water pump"
the light in his head goes on. "Oh yes ma'am. We've got
28-ounce water pumps. We have 24-ounce and 26-ounce water
pumps too."

"Finally," she says. "You're the first place I've called
that knew what I was talking about." "Yes ma'am.

That's because we're a full-service parts warehouse; it's
our job to have the parts you need, like a 28-ounce water
pump," he says, smiling, as he jots down customer pick-up,
Datsun 280Z water pump, part number...

Posted dezembro 30, 2005 4:09 PM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

A long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the Deep South and got a ride from a mean-looking trucker. After riding about 30 miles in silence the youth finally said, "Well, aren't you going to ask me?"

"Ask you what?" replied the trucker.

"If I'm a boy or a girl..." answered the youth.

"Don't matter," replied the trucker, "I'm gonna fuck ya anyway."

Posted dezembro 30, 2005 4:12 PM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

Posted janeiro 05, 2006 10:12 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.

As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee,
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr,
gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

Posted janeiro 09, 2006 6:16 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

"Sometimes I feel like running around naked.......then I drink Windex and it takes away the streaking."

Posted janeiro 14, 2006 1:40 PM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

The ability to make and understand puns is the highest level of language development.

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

A vulture boards an aeroplane, carrying two dead racoons The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

There was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Posted fevereiro 01, 2006 1:04 PM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"

Bond taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast.."

Posted abril 28, 2006 12:50 PM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

Corporate Lesson #1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower. The doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the
Next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob,
The next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson #2:

A priest offered a lift to a nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit apart to reveal a shapely leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand onto
Her thigh. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her thigh again. The nun once again said, "Father, please remember Psalm 129!" The priest apologized.

"Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek further up, you will find

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson #3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I normally grant three wishes, but as there are three of you I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life by my side." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson #4:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not?" So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow,and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing all day, you must be sitting very high up.

Corporate Lesson #5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree"
Sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients.." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it
Gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Posted maio 01, 2006 7:17 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me ... and I got it!

Posted maio 01, 2006 7:18 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

Posted maio 01, 2006 7:28 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at the ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. I weigh 135 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured scull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground - and the bottom fell out of the barrel. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I again met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel, slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

As I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to move, and watching the barrel six stories above - I again lost my presence of mind.

I let go of the rope!

Posted maio 01, 2006 7:32 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, "I'm toast."

A ray of light breaks forth from the sky and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT toast. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash in the head of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the sprawled out-chief.

Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again: "Okay...NOW you're toast!"

Posted maio 25, 2006 8:34 AM by Blogger David Wilson /  

A guy falls in love with his proctologist.

He goes to the office and says he has an obstruction; so the proctologist sticks his hand up but can't find anything. However, he does notice that the guy has an erection, so he cuts short the examination and orders the guy out of his office.

The next day, the guy calls the proctologist again and claims he has another obstruction. The proctologist doesn't believe him but the guy insists he is in great pain, so the doctor relents.

When the guy arrives, the doctor sticks his hand up again but this time he finds something. "Good God!!!", the doctor exclaims, "No wonder you're in pain. There are two dozen roses shoved up your ass!".

The guy twists around excitedly and says, "Read the card! Read the Card!!"

Posted junho 24, 2006 10:16 AM by Blogger David Wilson /  

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

Posted junho 24, 2006 10:29 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

Posted junho 24, 2006 10:32 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home

"I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

Posted junho 24, 2006 10:35 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired
as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

Posted junho 24, 2006 10:37 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."

Posted julho 18, 2006 5:51 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

Fleeing the Taliban, desperate for water, an Arab man was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.

The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water, but would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.

The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."

OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom.

Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back.

Your brother won't let me in without a tie."

Posted agosto 31, 2006 9:21 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

Two Muslim mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through photos and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now."

"Yes, I remember him as a baby," says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now, though," mum confides.

"Oh, so sad dear," says the other.

"And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21."

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily. "He had such curly hair when he was born."

"He's a martyr, too," says mum quietly.

"Oh gracious me," says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18," she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."

"He is a martyr, also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

Posted janeiro 25, 2007 1:38 PM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

Two Muslim mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the two pulls her bag out and starts flipping through photos and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now."

"Yes, I remember him as a baby", says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though", mum confides.

"Oh, so sad dear", says the other.

"And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21."

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born".

"He's a martyr too", says mum quietly.

"Oh, gracious me ....", says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18", she whispers.

"Yes", says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school".

"He's a martyr also,", says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says ...

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

Posted janeiro 25, 2007 1:43 PM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

A guy is driving around Dublin when he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes," the Lab replies.

"So, what's the story?"

The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten euros," the man says.

"Ten euros!? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shite"

Posted janeiro 25, 2007 1:44 PM by Blogger David Wilson /  

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (invariably it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back. "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.".........

"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian".

Posted janeiro 25, 2007 1:52 PM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story: "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead."

"Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Posted janeiro 26, 2007 8:16 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  


Women's Friends:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.

The husband called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew what he was talking about.

Men's Friends:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.

The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed he was still there.

Posted janeiro 27, 2007 3:03 AM by Blogger David Wilson /  

There was a tradesman, a painter named Wayne , who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings.

Wayne put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job. He set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried, "Oh, God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...

(you're going to love this)

"Repaint! Repaint!

"Go and thin no more!"

Posted fevereiro 08, 2007 4:27 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

A Newfoundlander went to see a psychiatrist. He said, " I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.

"I'll sleep on it," said the Newfoundlander. Six months later, the doctor met the Newfie on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were experiencing?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! And a bartender cured me for $10....I was so happy to have saved all that money, I bought meself a new pickup!"

"Is that so? And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!" .

Posted fevereiro 08, 2007 4:28 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that"

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

Posted fevereiro 17, 2007 7:11 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

A normal 50 something, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"
'Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone.
Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?"
She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing.
"You mean...", and he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.........

'Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports"

Posted fevereiro 18, 2007 12:33 PM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

One reason that puns are considered the lowest form of humour: They usually fall flat. Jeffrey Peckitt

Posted fevereiro 18, 2007 12:34 PM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

I'm not a pessimist. I'm just optimistically challenged. Rod St. Denis

Posted fevereiro 18, 2007 12:35 PM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

If vegetarians eat only vegetables, then what do humanitarians eat? Michael Stefaniuk

Posted fevereiro 18, 2007 12:36 PM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

Would a petite psychic who was running amok be regarded as a small medium at large? Peter Coyle

Posted fevereiro 18, 2007 12:37 PM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

Q: Why did the politician cross the road?
A: Because he promised he wouldn't. Brian Dust

Posted fevereiro 18, 2007 12:53 PM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

There is a new book on store mannequins. It's called "Dummies for Dummies." Edwin Kobe

Posted fevereiro 18, 2007 12:56 PM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

I'd rather remain silent and not add anything to a conversation, than speak up and add nothing. Alex Zaidlin

Posted fevereiro 18, 2007 12:57 PM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

The trouble with egocentric people is they are always thinking of themselves and never of me. Ian G. Stewart

Posted fevereiro 18, 2007 12:58 PM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. Rod St. Denis

Posted fevereiro 18, 2007 1:00 PM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

What is the opposite of infatuation? Liposuction. Lloyd Candow

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband. T. J. Park

If your sundial is at the back of the herb garden, is it behind the thyme? Jane Croteau

So what do hotcakes sell like? Frederick Sweet

Posted março 07, 2007 9:18 AM by Anonymous Anônimo /  

God: (standing on a chair behind Noah, he rings a bell once) NOAH.
Noah: (Looks up) Is someone calling me? (Shrugs and goes back to his work)
God: (Ding) NOAH!!
Noah: Who is that?
God: It's the Lord, Noah.
Noah: Right ... Where are ya? What do ya want? I've been good.
God: I want you to build an ark.
Noah: Right ... What's an ark?
God: Get some wood and build it 300 cubits by 80 cubits by 40 cubits.
Noah: Right ... What's a cubit?
God: Well never mind. Don't worry about that right now. After you build the ark, I want you to go out into the world and collect all the animals of the world, two by two, male and female, and put them into the ark.
Noah: Right ... Who is this really? What's going on? How come you want me to do all these weird things?
God: I'm going to destroy the world.
Noah: Right ... Am I on Candid Camera? How are you gonna do it?
God: I'm going to make it rain for a thousand days and drown them right out.
Noah: Right ... Listen, do this and you'll save water. Let it rain for forty days and forty nights and wait for the sewers to back up.
God: Right...

Narrator: So Noah began to build the ark. Of course his neighbors were not too happy about it. Can you imagine leaving for the office at 7 AM and seeing an ark?
Neighbor: (enters whistling, with brief case) Hey! You over there.
Noah: What do you want?
Neighbor: What is this thing?
Noah: It's an ark.
Neighbor: Uh huh, well you want to get it out of my driveway? I've gotta get to work. Hey listen, what's this thing for anyway?
Noah: I can't tell you, ha ha ha.
Neighbor: Can't you even give me a little hint?
Noah: You want a hint?
Neighbor: Yes, please.
Noah: Well, how long can you tread water? Ha ha ha
Neighbor: There's one in every neighborhood. (Shakes head and leaves)

Narrator: Well Noah finally got the ark built. Then he had the task of gathering all the animals two by two.
Noah: Hey, anybody know how to tell the difference between a male and a female mosquito? (Looking in a box) I told your rabbits before, only two! (He puts box in boat) Whew, finally the last two animals are on board. Let's get this thing closed up before God asks me to do something else. I'm six hundred years old. I am getting too old for this sort of thing.
God: Noah!
Noah: I knew it. What do you want now?
God: You're going to have to take one of those hippos off and get another one.
Noah: Why?
God: 'Cause you got two males. You need a female.
Noah: I'm too tired to bring anything else on board. You change one of them.
God: Come on, you know I don't work like that.
Noah: But I'm sick and tired of this. I've been working all day everyday like crazy for months now, dawn to dusk. I'm tired of this.
God: Noah
Noah: Yeah?
God: how long can you tread water? Ha ha ha
Noah: Yeah, well I got news for you. You keep talking about this flood and I haven't seen a drop of rain. Meanwhile, the whole neighborhood is making fun of me. I told one of my friends I'd been talking to the Lord and he laughed so hard he wet his pants. Do you know I'm the only guy in town with an ark in his yard? People are picketing and calling the heath department, strangers walk up to me and say "How's it going, Tarzan?" I am sick and tired of all of this, you let me get a pregnant elephant ... Do you give
me an instruction book? ... No!!! Here I am standing under the elephant and brrrrrrrrump! Right on top of me! I'm telling you, I've had enough. You're supposed to see all and know all, well have you seen the bottom of that ark? Who's going to clean up that mess? Not me, I tell you. I quit. I'm tired of this. I'm going to let the animals out and burn that ark down. I can't believe you made me do all this ...
(God takes a watering can and begins to pour water on Noah's head)
Noah: (continues) I can't believe the mess you got me in and ... and ...
it's raining ... This isn't just a shower is it? OK. All right, it's me and you Lord, me and you all the way. I'm with you Lord. Whatever you say. ...

Posted agosto 10, 2007 6:02 AM by Anonymous Lynn Sorensen /  

Bonne Bay is great but Western Brook Pond fjords are spectacular If you can finda picture of these. As I look at this picture I wish I was back on the west coast. It's a marvelous part of the country and gets more sun that the east coast. If i lived alone I would mover west.