quarta-feira, setembro 28, 2005

let them eat HTML

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Up, Down, Thread Ahead: Boycott SONY?.

this is not coding, this is a TRIAL - this is mere TRIBULATION!
this is weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth!
this HTML does not even deserve to have its name capitalized.

January 9, 2006
ahhh ... another mystery elucidated ... the blogger interpreter does not check for closure of <span> tags apparently, that is why the sidebar can suddenly go for a shit when you make a simple and innocuous change to a post since it interprets the posts before the sidebar and leaves the font settings as they may be when that is done, ai ai ai, constant requirement for self-defence, wasting time, it is rare that a 'quick' change can ever be made, you always need to do it, then check to see what it looks like, then check unrelated areas to see if they have been affected

and woe betide you if you go into 'compose' mode - you wind up with endless <span> and </span> tages inserted everywhere, it has to have an effect, sometimes doubles the length of the html text file, dumbass nonsense!!

January 2, 2006
with the help of Mark 'Tarquin' Wilton-Jones at http://www.howtocreate.co.uk/ i managed to make two pop-up windows for my blog, one to show images, and one to show documents, and THEN i tried to post the code to this page so other people could see how to do it, hahahahaha ... so today i returned to the problem, and discovered the <xmp> tag, which is not quite what i wanted, and anyway is deprecated. then i discovered how to use &lt; and &gt; instead of < and >. In order to even show you this i had to resort to an additional level of indirection - it just gets worse and worse. i do not quite know how to show you how to code an ampersand, ok it is &amp;, but of course i had to code something completely different to show you that because it just goes on and on ... eventually we will blow the recursion depth eh?

ai ai ai! é absurdo!

the code when you finally see it is yet another indirection, he writes a little program to the browser window - it really is a complete waste of human potential, this post today has so far taken me over an hour, anyway ... so after much trouble, here is the code, paste it into a page somewhere after the HEAD tag:

<!-- thanks to Tarquin at http://www.howtocreate.co.uk/ -->
<SCRIPT TYPE="text/javascript">
PositionX = 10;
PositionY = 10;
defaultWidth = 600;
defaultHeight = 400;
var AutoClose = true;
function popImage(imageURL,imageTitle){
  var imgWin = window.open('','_blank',
  //popup blockers should not cause errors
  if( !imgWin ) { return true; }
    '<\/title><script type="text\/javascript">\n'+
    'function resizeWinTo() {\n'+
    'if( !document.images.length ) { '+
    'document.images[0] = document.layers[0].images[0]; }'+
    'var oH = document.images[0].height, '+
    'oW = document.images[0].width;\n'+
    'if( !oH || window.doneAlready ) { return; }\n'+ //in case images disabled
    'window.doneAlready = true;\n'+ //for Safari and Opera
    'var x = window; x.resizeTo( oW + 200, oH + 200 );\n'+
    'var myW = 0, myH = 0, d = x.document.documentElement, '+
    'b = x.document.body;\n'+
    'if( x.innerWidth ) { myW = x.innerWidth; myH = x.innerHeight; }\n'+
    'else if( d && d.clientWidth ) '+
    '{ myW = d.clientWidth; myH = d.clientHeight; }\n'+
    'else if( b && b.clientWidth ) '+
    '{ myW = b.clientWidth; myH = b.clientHeight; }\n'+
    'if( window.opera && !document.childNodes ) { myW += 16; }\n'+
    'x.resizeTo( oW = oW + ( ( oW + 200 ) - myW ), '+
    'oH = oH + ( (oH + 200 ) - myH ) );\n'+
    'var scW = screen.availWidth ? screen.availWidth : screen.width;\n'+
    'var scH = screen.availHeight ? screen.availHeight : screen.height;\n'+
    'if( !window.opera ) { x.moveTo(Math.round('+
    '(scW-oW)/2),Math.round((scH-oH)/2)); }\n'+
    '<\/head><body onload="resizeWinTo();"'+
    (AutoClose?' onblur="self.close();"':'')+'>'+
    (document.layers?('<layer left="0" top="0">'):(
    '<div style="position:absolute;left:0px;top:0px;display:table;">'))+
    '<img src='+imageURL+' alt="Loading image ..." title="'+
    imageTitle+'" onload="resizeWinTo();">'+
  if( imgWin.focus ) { imgWin.focus(); }
  return false;
function popDoc(docURL,docTitle){
  var imgWin = window.open(docURL,'_blank','left=0,top=0,width='+
  if( !imgWin ) { return true; } //popup blockers should not cause errors
  return false;

two Functions; popImage and popDoc (a Haitian term ...), anyway, here is how you code it into an href for a document:

<a href="url" onclick="return popDoc(this.href,'optional description');">optional description</a>

and here is the one for an image:

<a href="url of big picture" onclick="return popImage(this.href,'optional description');"><img style="border:1px solid #000000; margin:1px 10px 1px 1px" src="url of thumbnail" align=left></a>

for the record it was almost three hours to make this entry, nevermind ... now, I would like to have zoom up and down buttons, and a means of placing a caption. if anyone has a notion I would appreciate hearing about it.

why did they have to make it so HARD, the bungling incompetents


December 25, 2005
slowly i am getting control of this, but %$@!! it is an uphill slog, and you never really get there either because the process is so counter-intuitive that you have forgotten (or i have at least) by the time i realize some partial achievment

horrid! HORRID!

the colour for links has suddenly disappeared! just in one post, the rest are ok, tried debugging it but can't get anywhere with it

i got two popups, one for images and one for documents, not bad, thanks to Mark 'Tarquin' Wilton-Jones at http://www.howtocreate.co.uk/

but still these are not even close really, if you are viewing images you want zoom, pan etc. as well, and the technique he uses for the pop-up, which involves a couple of layers of reverse polish is too much for me so far

November 2, 2005
the fact that the www has gotten as huge as it is, based mostly on HTML which is simply abysmally awful, shows you something about what an idea actually is,and about the power of such things as ideas

October 15, 2005
here's a question - sometimes the Comments come up large and sometimes they come up tiny - and I have tried to force them large, and can't.

October 15, 2005
putting controls on the header and footer line of each post has been a trial, they appear and disappear according to settings of switches which i suppose are not very well controlled in the publishing program or somewhere, since i am the administrator it is now hard to know what a casual surfer is seeing, could be that surfers have access to the posts, dunno

this is becoming a standard problem in all kinds of software development - the guy who writes it is categorically different from those who use it

only policy is to religiously save copies of the code each time anything changes, but this hedge is both time-consuming and not guaranteed

must look for that scientific american article on the impossibility of maintaining code over a certain number of lines

October 13, 2005
a house of cards, a glass jaw, stupid html!!! hahahaha managed to get more-or-less back to something, but it is straight uphill all the time, dumb!

October 13, 2005
I managed to get the footer to show up, then I (thought I) managed to get the so called `permanent link` into the top as well as the bottom, so you could see comments without having to scroll to the bottom, and that .... works ... but now the links dont work???

October 9, 2005
ok, I can get the test to the left of the picture with an align=right in the pic, but I am diddled if I can get the test to the right of the pic ???

all of a sudden my posts have all fallen apart, the formatting is all gone, line feeds do not show up but i have the setting set to keep them

October 9, 2005
getting things just the way you want them with html is rather tricky, and very much of a house of cards for the inexperienced coder like myself - easy enough to lose track of what it was you were trying to do - I wanted a map to show where these rivers come together and instead I have spent an hour or so just getting them to show up in something like 'order'

September 27, 2005
can anyone show me how to put text beside pictures in html instead of underneath?

September 21, 2005
ai ai ai let's face it - alla this software is ... junk

if anyone sees this and knows what is happening i would sure like to know

update - aha!! got it! the old counter-intuitive combination-of-effects trick, there are two settings in blogger, one to convert line feeds and one to manage float, and the correct combo is ... convert line feeds to yes, and float to yes also, and it is a good idea to stash away a copy of your template html for future reference


History & Myth

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Up, Down.

I first read about it in Hannah Arendt's book on the trial of Adolph Eichmann.   What caught me was a story, which turns out not to be true,  a myth then, about Christian X,  the King of Denmark at the time,  wearing the yellow star.   But the fact is that 7,000 Danish jews,  very nearly the total jewish population of Denmark,  were first hidden and then helped to escape to Sweden in October of 1943.

History,myth,true character,achievement The inherent strength of the Monarchy? Acting on the Second Great Commandment? Fate and Destiny?


Christian X

Dannebrog - Danish Cloth


terça-feira, setembro 27, 2005

Bob Dylan - No Direction Home

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Up, Down, Thread Ahead: Lord Protect my Child.

For those in Houston without Cable:
KUHT / Channel 8 - American Masters: No Direction Home: Bob Dylan
Monday, September 26, 8:00pm
Part One. Bob Dylan's life and music.
Tuesday, September 27, 8:00pm
Conclusion. Bob Dylan's life and music.

the website is quite slick - schedule by Postal Code - zeroes right in, this is PBS mind you, not Dylan himself (itself? how should one refer to the website of a person ...): American Masters.

I ain't gonna work on Maggie's farm no more.
No, I ain't gonna work on Maggie's farm no more.
Well, I wake in the morning,
Fold my hands and pray for rain.
I got a head full of ideas
That are drivin' me insane.
It's a shame the way she makes me scrub the floor.
I ain't gonna work on Maggie's farm no more.

I ain't gonna work for Maggie's brother no more.
No, I ain't gonna work for Maggie's brother no more.
Well, he hands you a nickel,
He hands you a dime,
He asks you with a grin
If you're havin' a good time,
Then he fines you every time you slam the door.
I ain't gonna work for Maggie's brother no more.

I ain't gonna work for Maggie's pa no more.
No, I ain't gonna work for Maggie's pa no more.
Well, he puts his cigar
Out in your face just for kicks.
His bedroom window
It is made out of bricks.
The National Guard stands around his door.
Ah, I ain't gonna work for Maggie's pa no more.

I ain't gonna work for Maggie's ma no more.
No, I ain't gonna work for Maggie's ma no more.
Well, she talks to all the servants
About man and God and law.
Everybody says
She's the brains behind pa.
She's sixty-eight, but she says she's twenty-four.
I ain't gonna work for Maggie's ma no more.

I ain't gonna work on Maggie's farm no more.
No, I ain't gonna work on Maggie's farm no more.
Well, I try my best
To be just like I am,
But everybody wants you
To be just like them.
They sing while you slave and I just get bored.
I ain't gonna work on Maggie's farm no more.


domingo, setembro 25, 2005

Architectural Photographs

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Up, Down.

Digital Imaging Project: Art historical images of European and North American architecture and sculpture at Bluffton College, Ohio.

a wonderful collection of photographs with a complete index by architect, an excellent resource ...

the curator, Mary Ann Sullivan, says:
I teach at Bluffton College, a Mennonite liberal arts college which stresses the ideals of social justice, service, and pacifism. Although I am not a Mennonite, I share these values. While I have never done voluntary service in third world countries or worked in obvious ways to further these goals, I am gratified that I get so many e-mails from those in countries where expensive art books are unavailable, where libraries are limited, and where budgets are so meager that travel around the world is impossible. In my small way I hope to make some educational resources available to those in these conditions. I believe that those of us in wealthy countries with personal means have an obligation to share resources. For me, the great advantage of the web is that it helps to eliminate some of these inequities.


sábado, setembro 24, 2005

Rita - aftermath

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Up, Down, Thread Ahead: None Yet, Thread Back: Rita - 4 pm Friday.

Thursday, November 3
Check this out - One Flew Over the Cuckoo`s Nest(?):
http://www.houstonpress.com/issues/2005-11-03/news/feature.html?src=newsletter The text of this article is in Comments. The picture is of Victor Fruge talking to Aretha Johnson, director of the the Liberty Island group home in Houston.

Saturday, September 24
It is all over but the spin ... some quibbles are being raised that the evacuation was not effective and that someone should have thought ahead and provided gas to stranded evacuees - but keep in mind that by noon Friday the highways were all moving well, and that no one got left on the side of the highway. If it had been necessary, another million or more could have evacuated.

A collection of the 3-Day Warnings with animation. Neat!


sexta-feira, setembro 23, 2005

Rita - 4 pm Friday

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Up, Down, Thread Ahead: Rita - aftermath, Thread Back: Rita - up and down the block.

Rita 4 pm Friday - sliding a little more east again and picking up speed, sorry these two maps are not quite the same scale but it looks to be coming ashore just a tich west of the Louisiana border in Port Arthur, then Beaumont, and according to how I interpret the NOAA map, the second "H" with the "PM Sat" line going to it means that hurricane force winds > 79 mph will be maintained after it hits shore - that could be a bit scary even though (from my perspective) it is 50 or 60 miles east of Houston, lots of pople live in Lufkin, Livingston and Jasper too ...

the gusty wind is arriving in Houston, trees beginning to twist and sigh, the sky is getting dark but it is hard to tell if it is the storm or just evening, the air is still hot, the wind is hot - está chegando a furação Rita! and suddenly the cicadas are singing like mad - this one's for Gord, a T'ang dynasty poem translated by a buddhist yogi yet, the english is not perfect but it has a certain something ...:

On Cicada
To the tourist seemed sadness is surrounded,
But to the old monk nothing can be found.
I don't know what was the cicada said,
Why from hotel and temple differs its sound?

Houston Chronicle blog
This is the best link I have seen for up-to-date information on Rita.

George Bush Airport

Highway near airport.

Houston Evacuation Night

Houston Evacuation - this was I-45 North near I-610 on Wednesday evening.


quinta-feira, setembro 22, 2005

Rita - up and down the block

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Up, Down, Thread Ahead: Rita - 4 pm Friday, Thread Back: Rita - stuck inside of Mobile.

Rita 4 am Friday

Rita 10 pm Thursday - not much change at all ...

the people in this city like to talk to one another, and there is nothing like an impending hurricane for an entrée to conversation - so my walk up to the local supermarket today was made pleasant by several short exchanges despite the 100 degree heat 100% humidity and still air

the chat was of the people stranded on the jammed highways trying to flee north, with no gas available to buy, stopped for 10 and 12 and 14 hours with cars full of children, pets, whole families, the zone between Houston and the gulf, a number of small communities including Clear Lake where the NASA control center is, Galveston, Texas City, Pasadena, Beaumont, many more ... were given mandatory evacuation notices which put them on route 45 north to Houston and then north to Dallas, and it was a parking lot, it is beginning to clear now from what I see on tv, but still heavy traffic, and many will be stuck on the roads overnight - a second night for some, the city government of Houston is now organizing city buses with volunteers to deliver water to those without gas or broken down, and if necessary let them board the bus even just to enjoy the air conditioning, they are also organizing fuel trucks to carry enough gas to get to a place to buy more - the tv tells me that in the entire city there are a handful of gas stations still with gas to sell

I never would have made it to the airport last night so it was just as well that I could not get started, it is possible to get there now but many flights are apparently being cancelled and the remainder are full - there were definitely no more seats to Rio, many of the security people did not make it in to work with the result reported on tv that people are waiting three and four hours in lines to get through to the boarding gates - and it will be officially closed at noon tomorrow

telephone numbers have been given out for those in the evacuation areas without transportation, a fleet of school buses is coming from Dallas to pick them up, to join buses from Houston, there seems to be a determination to maintain control, do the right thing, ensure that people are taken care of - lesons learned from Katrina being put into action, in fact, some of the evacuees from Galveston have wound up at the shelters orgaized for Katrina

on the other hand - the US Postal Service was so working today! - the mail came and I got a few books I had ordered - so if the power goes out Saturday morning when the storm finally does arrive, and the roof is still on this building, I will have something to do

the young girl at the checkout in the supermarket had a permanent smile - her name tag said it all "Katrina", everyone had a good word for her, and for each other as well, the supermarket was crammed, the lines were long, and instead of getting the least bit frustrated, everyone turned to each other and chatted - good!

meanwhile the storm is reducing in strength, estimates that when it comes ashore the winds will be down to 90 mph from 165 mph, storm tidal surge down to 5 feet from 12 feet, and so on ... there is a possibility that the worst of the storm will have been the attempted evacuation but it is too soon to say that for sure, more later

Rita 4pm Thursday - a little more east

Rita 4AM Thursday - waaay east from yesterday

last night when i went to bed, midnight or so, i had a look at the noaa hurricane website and it seemed she was gonna hit corpus cristi not galveston - but this morning it looks like just about dead on galveston again

patrick white wrote a book about an old lady who rides out a hurricane - eye of the storm


Rita - stuck inside of Mobile

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Up, Down, Thread Ahead: Rita - up and down the block.

with the Memphis blues again ...

Houston is shutting down in panic, businesses all closed, streets and highways jammed with cars running away, easy enough to check the NOAA site and see that lovely Rita Meter Maid is actually moving off towards Freeport and points west so Houston and Galveston look like they will be spared the worst.

I did so get caught up in it - and got a flight to Rio by calling Continental in Salt Lake City, a bit of lateral thinking there since the local telephone exchanges are almost not useable, jammed with calls and breaking down --- but dig this! I CAN'T GET TO THE AIRPORT! the joke's on me, there is not a taxi to be had, not a limo, not a rental car, not a neighbour in my apartment building willing to take me, just imagine this silly Canadian knocking on doors asking strangers for a ride, hahaha, one girl looked like she might do it so I tried to sweeten it with $100 (US yet!) but the car was her boyfriend's and he wasn't having any.

and remember, there is no hurricane yet, just rumours that one is coming here on Saturday morning, reminds me of that movie - Miracle Mile, except there does not appear to be a miracle for me tonight, maybe tomorrow ...

ai ai ai!

I absolutely cannot get to the airport short of dragging my suitcase there (yes, I know this is a choice and maybe a poor one, certainly a revealing one ... ), so I called and cancelled the flight, Continental was kind on that score at least, but tomorrow's flight, which I might be able to make is booked solid, I just looked at the NOAA site again and it looks like she is surely veering to the west, almost straight on Corpus Christi now, maybe 50 miles east of it, with Houston and Galveston just on the fringes.

Lovely Rita meter maid
Lovely Rita meter maid
Lovely Rita meter maid
Nothing can come between us
When it gets dark I tow your heart away
Standing by a parking meter
When I caught a glimpse of Rita
Filling in a ticket in her little white book
In a cap she looked much older
And the bag across her shoulder
Made her look a little like a military man

Lovely Rita meter maid
May I inquire discreetly
When are you free
To take some tea with me

Took her out and tried to win her
Had a laugh and over dinner
Told her I would really like to see her again
Got the bill and Rita paid it
Took her home I nearly made it
Sitting on the sofa with a sister or two
Oh, lovely Rita meter maid
Where would I be without you
Give us a wink and make me think of you
Lovely Rita meter maid
Rita meter maid
Oh Lovely Rita meter meter maid


quarta-feira, setembro 21, 2005

Bonne Bay

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Up, Down, Thread Ahead: Wanda Young - Political Correctitude.

Click to Enlarge / Click para Aumentar
Bonne Bay Newfoundland - windy day
One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, and Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's play Weeweechu."
"Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon" said Rosita.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time" Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please, corazoncito, just once, play Weeweechu with me."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll play Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
Dear Hudson Middle School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Hudson Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless your for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a million pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said, "Drop dead!"

Thanks again!
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.' Ronnie Shakes

TV is a Medium, called so because it is neither rare nor well done. Miguel Ettema

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. Bruce Graham

Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them. Antoine de Saint-Exupery

This person called up and said, "You've got to come and take this seminar. It will completely change your life in just one weekend." And I said, "Well, I don't want to completely change my life this weekend. I've got a lot of things to do on Monday. Rick Fields

In fact, one thing that I have noticed... is that all of these conspiracy theories depend on the perpetrators being endlessly clever. I think you'll find the facts also work if you assume everyone is endlessly stupid. Brian E. Moore

When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities. Matt Groening

Beer. Now there's a temporary solution. Homer

Worst Month of the Year: February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible. Steve Rubenstein

In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was pro da. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One. Yakov Smirnoff

Time is that quality of nature which keeps events from happening all at once. Lately it doesn't seem to be working. Anonymous

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention in human history, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila. Mitch Radcliffe

Great men talk about ideas; Mediocre men talk about things; Small men talk about people. Admiral Hyman Rickover

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. Douglas Adams

Lastly (and this is, perhaps, the golden rule), no woman should marry a man who does not smoke. Robert Louis Stevenson

"Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again." Marin County newspaper's TV listing for The Wizard of Oz

I don't intend for this to take on a political tone. I'm just here for the drugs. Nancy Reagan

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. Roseanne

One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear. J.B. Morton

Ignorance of your profession is best concealed by solemnity and silence, which pass for profound knowledge upon the generality of mankind. Advice to Officers of the British Army, 1783

Too many errors on one line. (make fewer) Apple MPW C compiler error message

Never believe anything until it's officially denied. Margaret Atwood

A motorcycle is a combination of pony, blow dryer, and vibrator - perfect for girls of all ages. Colin MacDonald

In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, 'Let there be Light.' And there was still nothing. But, you could see it a lot better. Dave Weinstein

Personally I do not take a stand on the quaint customs that may take place in the colonies. If they wish to speak in a certain way then that is their business. When the greatest cultural aspiration of a society is to place a MacBurger Bar and Hagen Das Ice Cream palour on every highstreet of the globe it seems somewhat irrelevant to start taking them up on their vocabulary. Phill Hallam-Baker

Science is one thing and Wisdom is another. Science is an edged tool, with which men play like children, and cut their own fingers. Thomas Love Peacock

Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope. P.J. O'Rourke

Like a ski resort full of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls, the situation is not as symmetric as it might seem. Marc Unangst

I'm naturally paranoid. I come from Russian-Jewish stock, so I have a complete sense of persecution at all times. Gavin Rossdale

For a list of reasons why technology has failed to improve the quality of life, press 3. Mike Batchelor

The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who, in times of great moral crisis, maintain their neutrality. Dante

It is not enough to succeed; others must fail. Gore Vidal

I think kids appreciate it when adults actually treat them like people. Little, stupid people who cry a lot. Bob Van Voris

Anyone who thinks animals have no will... has never bathed a cat. Jennifer L. Dziura

It is of interest to note that while some dolphins are reported to have learned English - up to fifty words used in correct context - no human being has been reported to have learned dolphinese. Carl Sagan

Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. Napoleon

The road to truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying bastards. Alexander Jablokov

An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren't. Sacha Guitry

If the birth of a genius resembles that of an idiot, the end of a Havana Corona resembles that of a 5-cent cigar. Sasha Guitry

The true New Yorker secretly believes that people living anywhere else have to be, in some sense, kidding. John Updike

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It also helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. Frank Zappa

When I saw him, I liked him. When I liked him, I Loved him. When I Loved him, I lost him. Julia Lasalle

Well, the first 98% of the project takes the first 98% of the time. The other 2% of the project takes the other 98% of the time. Creed Erickson

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important. Bertrand Russell

Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat. Oxford Union Society rules

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. Dave Barry

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. Elizabeth Taylor

If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have learned how to live. Lin Yutang

Junk journalism is the evidence of a society that has at least one thing right, that there should be nobody with the power to dictate where responsible journalism begins. Tom Stoppard

Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway. unknown

They all laughed at Albert Einstein. They all laughed at Columbus. Unfortunately, they also all laughed at Bozo the Clown. William Jeffereys

If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination. Thomas De Quincey

It is always possible to aglutenate multiple separate problems into a single complex interdependent solution. In most cases this is a bad idea. Ross Callon

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come. Matt Groening

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. Will Rogers

The real hero is always a hero by mistake; he dreams of being an honest coward like everybody else. Umberto Eco

Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody. Mark Twain

Freedom is not a gift from the state, it's the space we hack out for ourselves in the face of the powermongers and their apologists in academia and the media, who have a seemingly genetic predisposition to try to take it away from us. Louis Rosetto

People in the computer industry use the word "user", which to them means "idiot". Dave Barry

Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. Howard Aiken

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you. Anon

In the Norse mythology Loki originally was on the side of the rest of the gods, helping them once or twice using a particularly nast forms of trickery. He was a cunning negotiator with a talent for technicalities. He was sort of the Norse equivalent of a lawyer, no doubt the reason they tied him down in a pit dripping acidic venom on him. Martin Terman

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. Shirley Temple

Thousands of years ago the Egyptians worshiped cats as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. Charles Herbig

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? unknown, open letter to Dr. Laura Schlessinger

True, money can't buy happiness, but it isn't happiness I want. It's money. Bizarro

I understand women, I just don't give a shit. anonymous

The British Secret Service was staffed at one point almost entirely by alcoholic homosexuals working for the KGB. Clive James

Under the English legal system you are innocent until you are shown to be Irish. Ted Whitehead

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life. Terry Pratchett

Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list. Yakov Smirnoff

A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation. Howard Scott

The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a beer bottle, they're on TV. Homer Simpson

A child of 5 could understand this. Fetch me a child of 5, I can't understand this. Groucho Marx

After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. P. J. O'Rourke

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. Mark Twain

640K ought to be enough for anybody. Bill Gates, 1981

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. Jack Handey

Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. John Kenneth Galbraith

I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him. Mark Twain

In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations - it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir. Stuart Keate

If a million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing. Anatole France

I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses. Victor Hugo

The man who strikes first admits that his ideas have given out. Chinese Proverb

Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong. Blair Houghton

Jake liked his women the way he liked his kiwi fruit; sweet yet tart, firm-fleshed yet yielding to the touch, and covered with short, brown, fuzzy hair. Entry in San Jose State's Bad Writing Contest

All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific. Jane Wagner

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy! Jack Handey

Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge. Charles Darwin

If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. Maslow

Any time you got nothing to do - and lots of time to do it - come on up. Mae West

The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple. Oscar Wilde

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. George Carlin

All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. Ashleigh Brilliant

The bureaucracy expands to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

Sex isn't the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

You can fool some of the people some of the time, and that is sufficient.

It's times like these when I remember my father's last words...'Don't son! That gun's loaded!'

Always remember to pillage before you burn.

Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.

Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline sharply the minute they start waving guns around? Dr. Who

The Internet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhoea - massive, difficult to re-direct, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it. Gene Spafford

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to go over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late. Jack Handey

It is annoying to be honest to no purpose. Ovid

Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich. Daffy Duck

Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people and for the people. Oscar Wilde

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. La Rouchefoucauld

In the end, everything is a gag. Charlie Chaplin

Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??! W. C. Fields

Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. George Bernard Shaw

I've been rich and I've been poor. Believe me, rich is better. Mae West

It isn't what I do, but how I do it. It isn't what I say, but how I say it, and how I look when I do it and say it. Mae West

We had a quicksand box in our yard. I was an only child, eventually. Steven Wright

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.

All theoretical chemistry is really physics; and all theoretical chemists know it.
Richard P. Feynman

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town. Jack Handey

Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than we deserve. George Bernard Shaw

I just need enough to tide me over until I need more. Bill Hoest

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. Euripides

It takes two to get one in trouble. Mae West

Don't ever make the same mistake twice, unless it pays. Mae West

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. Charlotte Whitton

Sex is the most natural, most beautiful, most wonderful thing that money can buy. Steve Martin

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. Emo Philips

Child be a public servant. The best balance of music and technology within a vaguely. Written on a T-shirt for sale in a market in Hong Kong.

Most people would rather die than think; in fact, they do so. Bertrand Russell

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. W. C. Fields

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. Mark Twain

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. Albert Schweitzer

If a child shows himself to be incorrigible, he should be decently and quietly beheaded at the age of twelve lest he grow to maturity, marry, and perpetuate his kind. Don Marquis

Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else. Mae West

America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization. John O'Hara

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties. Jules Renard

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. William James

Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools are for. Mae West

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. Albert Einstein

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. John Quinton

There are several good precautions against temptation, but the surest is cowardice. Mark Twain

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. Lily Tomlin

No issue is so small that it can't be blown out of proportion. Stuart Hughes

I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them. George Bush, US President

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. Ellen DeGeneres

If it weren't for the last minute, alot of things wouldn't get done. Michael S. Traylor

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either. Dick Cavett

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. Rodney Dangerfield

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Steve Martin

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' Charlie Brown

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with. Marty Feldman

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. Ernest Hemingway

I'm a philosophy major. That means I can think deep thoughts about being unemployed. Bruce Lee

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down. George Burns

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. Groucho Marx

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. Henny Youngman

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they're going to feel all day. Dean Martin

Money is something you have to make in case you don't die. Max Asnas

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. Jimmy Durante

When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty. George Bernard Shaw

The Second Law of Thermodynamics: If you think things are in a mess now, just wait! Jim Warner

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times. Mark Twain

If a man is a fool, you don't train him out of being a fool by sending him to university. You merely turn him into a trained fool, ten times more dangerous. Desmond Bagley

The Middle Eastern states aren't nations; they're quarrels with borders. P. J. O'Rourke

Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure. Errol Flynn

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. Hector Louis Berlioz

A bargain is something you can't use at a price you can't resist. Franklin Jones

When ideas fail, words come in very handy. Goethe

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. Helen Rowland

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time. George Bernard Shaw

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe. Carl Sagan

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty. Sacha Guitry

A mink on her back, a Jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed and a jackass to pay for it all. Walter Witchell (on Mae West)

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke. Groucho Marx (actually Rudyard Kipling)

Part of the $10 million I spent on gambling, part on booze and part on women. The rest I spent foolishly. George Raft, George Best

What luck for rulers, that men do not think. Adolf Hitler

Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you recognise a mistake when you make it again. F. P. Jones

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup. Eddie Izzard

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. Emo Philips

Do you know they now do eating dogs for anorexics? Prince Philip (to a blind woman with a guide dog)

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. Robert A. Heinlein

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you. Rita Mae Brown

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit. W. Somerset Maugham

One of the problems of taking things apart and seeing how they work - supposing you're trying to find out how a cat works - you take that cat apart to see how it works, what you've got in your hands is a non-working cat. The cat wasn't a sort of clunky mechanism that was susceptible to our available tools of analysis. Douglas Adams

I love Wagner, but the music I prefer is that of a cat hung up by its tail outside a window and trying to stick to the panes of glass with its claws. Charles Baudelaire

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax; tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough. Pearl Williams

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. Sam Levenson

Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy - in a jar on my desk. Stephen King

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it. Mark Twain

It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong. Voltaire

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. Errol Flynn

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Sigmund Freud

Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not nailed down. Collis P. Huntingdon

A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular with what's left of your unit. US Army Magazine.

A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools. Douglas Adams

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. 'Hear that?' you say. 'That's dynamite, baby.' Jack Handey

A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say 'How to Build a Boat.' Steve Wright

Anyone who isn't confused really doesn't understand the situation. Edward R. Murrow

As I was leaving this morning, I said to myself the last thing you must do is forget your speech. And sure enough, as I left the house this morning, the last thing I did was to forget my speech. Rowan Atkinson

A jury consists of twelve people to decide who has a better lawyer. Robert Frost

It may be hard to use but at least it's slow. Geoffery Moore

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. Jack Handey

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. William Coronel

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. Anon

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example. Mark Twain

The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair. Douglas Adams

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot. Groucho Marx

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!' He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. Steve Wright

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes humans the dominant species on the planet. That may be true. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. Jeff Stilson

I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. Ed Bluestone

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.' Jack Handey

News is something someone is trying to hide. Everything else is just advertising. William Randolph Hearst

What is it like to be a girl? Is it like being a bug? I imagine that bugs and girls have a dim perception that nature played a cruel trick on them, but they lack the intelligence to really comprehend the magnitude of it. Calvin

Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it. Harry Truman

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. Douglas Adams

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back. Zsa Zsa Gabor

I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the wall that didn't do anything. So anytime I had nothing to do I'd just flick that switch up and down, up and down, up and down. Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany. It just said, 'Cut it out.' Steve Wright

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM, 1943

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying. Woody Allen

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' Steve Wright

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like fries with that?' Jay Leno

I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries ... but they weren't included ... so I had to buy them again. Steve Wright

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. Lily Tomlin

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Dave Edison

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. Carol Leifer

If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you. Samuel Goldwyn

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? Linda Ellerbee

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. Jack Handey

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have. Jack Handey

Between two evils, I always pick the one I haven't tried before. Mae West

If at first you don't succeed, keep on suckin' 'til you do succeed. Jerome "Curly" Howard

Ironic isn't it, that God gave the tortoise a drag factor of 0.03. graffiti

It's better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating. Oscar Wilde

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk. Jack Handey

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. graffiti

Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, 'Are we going to have sex again?' He said, 'Yes, but not with each other.' Rita Rudner

Men stumble over the truth from time to time, but most pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened. Winston Churchill

My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' Paula Poundstone

My name's got 'evils' and 'lives.' It's probably better not to wonder too much about it. Elvis Presley

Oh great! First I get stabbed and now I'm bleeding! Anon

Normally I don't believe in miracles, but something happened when I was about seven years old I still can't explain. I was on the front porch with Grandpa, about to eat my Twinkies, when Grandpa started grabbing his chest and saying he was having a heart attack. I ran to get Mom, but when I got back, Grandpa was okay. 'An angel helped me,' he said. 'Also, he ate your Twinkies.'
Jack Handey

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Groucho Marx

Oh, sure, you've seen TV commercials wherein the Cheerful Housewife, standing in a bathroom, waltzes up to a scum-encrusted tile, sprays it with a cleanser, and then wipes it off to reveal a sparkling shine. But these commercials were not filmed on Earth; they're filmed on the Commercial Planet, where everything is different; where fast-food-chain employees really are happy to serve you; where there is some meaningful difference between Coke and Pepsi; and where 'light' beer does not taste like weasel spit.
Dave Barry

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Rich Cook

Relationships don't last anymore. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'
Rita Rudner

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

Smile things may get worse more slowly. graffiti

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
Rita Rudner

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says 'You'. After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
Jack Handey

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Steve Wright

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
Mark Twain

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. Groucho Marx

To err is human To really foul things up requires computers. graffiti

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
Jack Handey

We're a planet of nearly six billion ninnies living in a civilisation that was designed by a few thousand amazingly smart deviants.
Scott Adams

When you are waiting for someone, minutes seem like hours, if you are talking to a beautiful woman, hours seem just minutes. That is relativity for you.

If pro is the opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress. Anonymous

There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
Jeremy S. Anderson

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me? Marilyn Pittman

If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it.

I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules, including:
* Both of your socks should always be the same color,
* Or they should at least both be fairly dark.
Dave Barry

An economic forecaster is like a cross-eyed javelin thrower: they don't win many accuracy contests, but they keep the crowd's attention.

We trained hard - but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams we were reorganized. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing, and what a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while actually producing confusion, inefficiency, and demoralization.
Petronius Arbiter, 210 B.C.

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
Robin Williams

A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad.
Christopher Case

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'
Jake Johansen

You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little pot belly and a bald spot.
Elayne Boosler

And no woman would want to be walking down the street next to a guy who had cellulite and whose boobs drooped.
Simon V.

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
A. Whitney Brown

I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget. Michael McShane

Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?
Jon Stewart

Why inflict pain on oneself, when so many others are ready to save us the trouble.
George W. Pachaud

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
Lily Tomlin

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
George Carlin

Teach a parrot the terms "supply and demand" and you've got an economist.
Thomas Carlyle

You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
Al Capone

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.
Rita Rudney

Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.
P. J. O'Rourke

Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? Anonymous

Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words: "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and so is mankind.
Jack Handey

Never moon a werewolf. Mike Binder

Politics is derived from two words: poly meaning many, and tics meaning small blood-sucking insects.
Chris Clayton

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
Brendan Behan

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
Charles Schultz

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. Anonymous

Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.
Mark Twain

Love your neighbour as yourself, but choose your neighbourhood. Louise Beal

Life's tragedy is that we get old to soon and wise too late. Benjamin Franklin

Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet. Napoleon Bonaparte

Patriotism is a pernicious, psychopathic form of idiocy. George Bernard Shaw

It is a much cleverer thing to talk nonsense than to listen to it. Oscar Wilde

A billion here, a billion there - pretty soon it adds up to real money!
Everett Dirkson

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.
Emo Phillips

Half of the people in the world are below average. Anon

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. Oscar Wilde

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. Groucho Marx

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. Mark Twain

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

He who can, does. He who cannot, consults. Winston Finley-Smythe

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television. Gore Vidal

There are two rules for success: 1) Never tell everything you know.
Roger H. Lincoln

Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right. Woody Allen

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
Mark Twain

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock. Will Rogers

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand. Homer J.Simpson

"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..." Last words of Union General John Sedgwick, killed by a Confederate sharpshooter at Spotsylvania, 1864

Never wrestle with a pig in the mud. You'll lose, and the pig loves it.
A pig farmer from Kansas

I have a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel!

What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
Richard Harkness

Nerve gas is not a toy. Bart Simpson writing on the blackboard

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. Mark Twain

As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take the course he will. He will be sure to repent.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. Isaac Asimov

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting. Gloria Leonard

The Christian view that all intercourse outside marriage is immoral was, as we see in the above passages from St. Paul, based upon the view that all sexual intercourse, even within marriage, is regrettable. A view of this sort, which goes against biological facts, can only be regarded by sane people as a morbid aberration. The fact that it is embedded in Christian ethics has made Christianity throughout its whole history a force tending towards mental disorders and unwholesome views of life.
Bertrand Russell

A theologian is like a blind man in a dark room searching for a black cat which isn't there - and finding it!
Rowan Atkinson

A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnett, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, and die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.
Robert Heinlein

The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact than a drunken man is happier than a sober one.
George Bernard Shaw

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
Galileo Galilei

One of the advantages of being disorderly is constantly making exciting discoveries.
A.A. Milne

It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious.
Roger Berg

Prejudices save time. Robert Byrne

Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal.
Albert Einstein

Only the shallow know themselves. Oscar Wilde

Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
Samuel Butler

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanety to anyone, but they've always worked for me. Hunter S. Thompson

The greatest homage we can pay to truth is to use it. Ralph Waldo Emerson

Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally. Abraham Lincoln.

A ship in harbor is safe - but that is not what ships are for. John A. Shedd

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible. P.J. O'Rourke

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. Laurence J. Peter

An American never insults on purpose. An Englishman never insults by accident.

All great truths begin as blasphemies. George Bernard Shaw

Your highness, when I said that you are like a stream of bat's piss, I only meant that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around it is dark. Monty Python

If man ever manages to built a computer big enough to accurately predict the weather, it will probably affect the weather. Tom Cowling

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. Groucho Marx

It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realise how often they burst into flames. Harry Hill

Rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read. Frank Zappa

Would you sponsor a tramp? A Tramp

Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself; but talent instantly recognizes genius.
Arthur Conan Doyle

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. Dave Barry

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost. Russell Baker

She was good at being inarticulately abstracted for the same reason that midgets are good at being short. Clive James on Marilyn Monroe

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge. Spike Milligan

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
Peter O'Toole

An ambassador is a person who, having failed to secure an office from the people, is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.
Ambrose Bierce

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
George Burns

The light at the end of the tunnel is just the light of an oncoming train.
Robert Lowell

Never give a sucker an even break. W.C. Fields

The only unnatural sex act is that which you cannot perform. Alfred Kinsey

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
Jimmy Carter

If women were meant to play football, God would have put their tits somewhere else.
Gordon Sinclair

Like most men, I am consumed with desire whenever a lesbian gets within twenty feet.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.
Franklin P. Jones

I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit. Mel Brooks

I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.
Ken Dodd

A positive attitude will not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. Herm Albright

If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on advertising then they wouldn't have to advertise them. Will Rogers

These are bagpipes. I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made sound never equalled the purity the sound achieved by the pig. Alfred Hitchcock

Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion. Norman Schwartzkopf

I Love children, especially when they cry for then someone takes them away. Nancy Mitford

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. Jerry Seinfeld

Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living. P. J. O'Rourke

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior'. Rita Rudner

I love fall in LA. The birds change color and fall from the trees. David Letterman

Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur. Jerry Seinfeld

Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I thought, 'Where the hell is the ceiling?' Chris Unger

It is better to spend money like there's no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there's no money. P. J. O'Rourke

He has either never been to Umm Qasr or he's never been to Southampton. There's no beer, no prostitutes and people are shooting at us. It's more like Portsmouth. A British squaddie in Umm Qasr after Geoff Hoon described the port as "a city similar to Southampton"

Most people use statistics the way a drunkard uses a lamppost, more for support than illumination. Mark Twain

One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my pyjamas I'll never know. Groucho Marx

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. Mariah Carey

My speciality is being right when other people are wrong. George Bernard Shaw

The older we grow the greater becomes our wonder at how much ignorance one can contain without bursting one's clothes. Mark Twain

If you've got them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow. John Wayne

When you say you agree to a thing in principle you mean that you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice. Otto Von Bismark

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice; In practice, there is. Chuck Reid

All the usual things: sunlight, trees, flowers, children, whiskers on kittens... but it's all fundamentally underpinned by gin. Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen on what makes him happy

I read my horoscope. The first line said, 'Ignore bad advice.' Fine. I stopped reading my horoscope. Dan Spencer

First, there was nothing. Then it exploded. unknown

A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 AM and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 PM to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch. Fred Allen

There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things we know we don't know. But, there are also unknown unknowns. These are things we don't know we don't know. Donald Rumsfield

Quit school, join a gang, is my message to youth. Smoke as many cigarettes as you can. Try the different brands, find out what is right for you. Ellen DeGeneres

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it 'Jumping up and down'. Rita Rudner

I'm fascinated by air. If you took the air out of the sky, all the birds would fall on the ground. And the planes too. Jean-Claude Van Damme

Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective. P. J. O'Rourke

The secret to managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from the guys who are undecided. Casey Stengel

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. Jack Handey

An infinite number of rednecks, in an infinite number of pickup trucks, firing an infinite number of shotguns at an infinite number of road signs, will produce all the great works of literature - in braille. Stephen Webb

In the business world an executive knows something about everything, a technician knows everything about something and the switchboard operator knows everything. Harold Coffin

The tuba is certainly the most intestinal of instruments, the very lower bowel of music. Peter De Vries

Critics can't even make music by rubbing their back legs together. Mel Brooks

Time's fun when you're having flies. Kermit the Frog

I date this girl for two years, and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name". Mike Binder

If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not. Jack Handey

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks. Emo Philips

If you have an ax, every problem looks like hours of fun. unknown

I don't drink these days. I am allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs. Robert Downey JR

I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality. Bob Hope

The most terrifying words in the English langauge are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help. Ronald Reagan

I'm not the man I used to be, so why should I have to pay off his debts? Gary Apple

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. Mel Brooks

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it. Dick Cavett

I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time. Steve Wright

I went to watch Pavarotti once. He doesn't like it when you join in. Mick Miller

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. Andy Rooney

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name. Milton Berle

So many Right-Wing Christians, so few lions. Tee-Shirt worn by American liberals

The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it. George Bernard Shaw

I've no desire to hang around with a bunch of upper-class delinquents, do twenty minutes' work and then spend the rest of the day loafing about in Paris drinking gallons of champagne and having dozens of moist, pink, highly experienced French peasant girls galloping up and down my - hang on ... Blackadder

I quit flying years ago. I don't want to die with tourists. Billy Bob Thornton

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it. E. B. White

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. Oprah Winfrey

Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. WC Fields

Never hire a ferret to do a weasel's job. from a Budweiser ad

Why does a man take it for granted that a girl who flirts with him wants him to kiss her - when, nine times out of ten, she only wants him to want to kiss her? Helen Rowland

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. R. Serling

When red headed people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn. Mark Twain

I believe in God; I just don't trust anyone who works for him. unknown

The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment. Warren G. Bennis

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating. Unknown psychology professor

The rich keep all the money, pay none of the taxes. The middle class pay all the taxes, do all of the work. The poor... are just there to scare the shit out of the middle class. George Carlin

The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views, which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering. Doctor Who

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. Sir Winston Churchill

I asked a Burmese why women, after centuries of following their men, now walk ahead. He said there were many unexploded land mines since the war. Robert Mueller

I think I mentioned to Bob Geldof I could make love for eight hours. What I didn't say was that this included four hours of begging and then dinner and a movie - Sting

Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember it didn't work for the rabbit. R.E. Shay

I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon. Ellen DeGeneres

A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice. Edgar Watson Howe

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. Ambrose Bierce

Vegetarianism is harmless enough, though it's apt to give a person wind and self-righteousness. Robert Hutchinson

Children seldom misquote. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. Unknown

It doesn't make much difference what you study, as long as you don't like it. Finley Peter Dunne

Politeness is to human nature what warmth is to wax. Arthur Schopenhauer

Men get laid, but women get screwed. Quentin Crisp

The only difference between a dead skunk lying in the road and a dead lawyer lying in the road is that there are skid marks around the skunk. Patrick Murray

Wild horses couldn't drag a secret out of a woman. However, women seldom have lunch with wild horses. Ivern Boyett

Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he THINK he was doing at the time? Billy Connelly

Bureaucrats: they are dead at 30 and buried at 60. They are like custard pies; you can't nail them to a wall. Frank Lloyd Wright

I'm like an expensive menu... you can look but you can't afford! Anna Kournikova

If most of us are ashamed of shabby clothes and shoddy furniture, let us be more ashamed of shabby ideas and shoddy philosophies.... It would be a sad situation if the wrapper were better than the meat wrapped inside it. Albert Einstein

There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one. Jack Yelton

Today is the first day of the rest of your short, brutish existence as a sentient creature before being snuffed out into utter nothingness for all eternity.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

If in doubt, mumble.

Once there was a time when all people believed in God and the church ruled. This time is called the Dark Ages.

Men are superior to women, for one thing they can urinate from a speeding car. - Will Durst

One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear - J.B. Morton

Ignorance of your profession is best concealed by solemnity and silence, which pass for profound knowledge upon the generality of mankind. - Advice to Officers of the British Army, 1783

Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope. P.J. O'Rourke

Like a ski resort full of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls, the situation is not as symmetric as it might seem - Marc Unangst

I'm naturally paranoid. I come from Russian-Jewish stock, so I have a complete sense of persecution at all times. - Gavin Rossdale

Well, the first 98% of the project takes the first 98% of the time. The other 2% of the project takes the other 98% of the time - Creed Erickson

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important - Bertrand Russell

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues - Elizabeth Taylor

Executive summary: fuckers. All of 'em - Anon

Freedom is not a gift from the state, it's the space we hack out for ourselves in the face of the powermongers and their apologists in academia and the media, who have a seemingly genetic predisposition to try to take it away from us - Louis Rosetto

People in the computer industry use the word "user", which to them means "idiot" - Dave Barry

Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats - Howard Aiken

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you - Anon

In the Norse mythology Loki originally was on the side of the rest of the gods, helping them once or twice using a particularly nast forms of trickery. He was a cunning negotiator with a talent for technicalities. He was sort of the Norse equivalent of a lawyer, no doubt the reason they tied him down in a pit dripping acidic venom on him - Martin Terman

Under the English legal system you are innocent until you are shown to be Irish - Ted Whitehead

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try to please everyone - Bill Cosby

If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion - George Bernard Shaw

Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny - Kin Hubbard

Cockfighting was illegal in Oklahoma until 1963, when a judge ruled that chickens are not animals and therefore unprotected by anticruelty laws - U.S. News & World Report, 6 December 1999

There is never enough time, unless you're serving it - Malcolm Forbes

In this country it's a good thing to kill an admiral now and then to encourage the others - Voltaire

MANNA, n. A food miraculously given to the Israelites in the wilderness. When it was no longer supplied to them they settled down and tilled the soil, fertilizing it, as a rule, with the bodies of the original occupants
- Ambrose Bierce

When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up... what did he go back to? - Bob Monkhouse

Vegetarians have wicked, shifty eyes, and laugh in a cold calculating manner. They pinch little children, steal stamps, drink water, favor beards - J. B. Morton

Do not touch anything unnecessarily. Beware of pretty girls in dance halls and parks who may be spies, as well as bicycles, revolvers, uniforms, arms, dead horses, and men lying on roads - they are not there accidentally - 1930 Soviet infantry manual

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts - Jeff Foxworthy

Curly Babe Has Hot Deep Horsecock - SPAM message subject

Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs - P. J. O'Rourke

Windows: A 32 bit extension and graphical shell, for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system, originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.
- Unknown

Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear - Unknown

Football incorporates the two worst elements of American society: violence punctuated by committee meetings - George Will

Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is - P. J. O'Rourke

There's a basic rule which runs through all kinds of music, kind of an unwritten rule. I don't know what it is. But I've got it - Ronnie Wood

They wrote in the old days that it is sweet and fitting to die for one's country. But in modern war, there is nothing sweet nor fitting in your dying. You will die like a dog for no good reason - Ernest Hemingway

They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
- Benjamin Franklin

I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes stuck in my nose - Unknown

It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty - George Burns

The Queen is most anxious to enlist everyone in checking this mad, wicked folly of 'Women's Rights'. It is a subject which makes the Queen so furious that she cannot contain herself - Queen Victoria

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year - Mark Twain

Americans want grungy people, stabbing themselves in the head on stage. They get a bright bunch like us, with deodorant on, they don't get it - Liam Gallagher (some mistake surely - Ed)

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society - Mark Twain

Its easy to understand why the cat has eclipsed the dog as modern America's favorite pet. People like pets to possess the same qualities they do. Cats are irresponsible and recognize no authority, yet are completely dependent on others for their material needs. Cats cannot be made to do anything useful. Cats are mean for the fun of it - P. J. O'Rourke

I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota - Fran Lebowitz

There are now more TV's in British households than there are people - which is a bit of a worry
- Prince Charles

If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken Him completely by surprise - P.Z. Pearce

It is unfortunate we can't buy many business executives for what they are worth and sell them for what they think they are worth - Malcolm Forbes

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home - Robert Orben

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level - Quentin Crisp

Whenever a friend suceeds, a little something in me dies - Gore Vidal

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business - Dave Barry

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down - George Burns

Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have to say something - Plato

What America needs is more young people who will carry to their jobs the same enthusiasm for getting ahead that they display in traffic - M.A. Kelly

Most vegetarians I ever see looked enough like their food to be classed as cannibals - Finley Peter Dunne

A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience - Doug Larson

Boys will be boys and so will a lot of middle aged men - Kin Hubbard

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves
- August Strindberg

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house - Zsa Zsa Gabor

The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success - James Bond

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage
- Mark Russell

The creationists have this creator who is evil, who is small-minded, who is malevolent, and who is not very bright and can't even get his science right. Creationists have made their creator in their own image, in my view - Ian Plimer

Dogs smoke in France - Ozzy Osbourne

Humor, a good sense of it, is to Americans what manhood is to Spaniards and we will go to great lengths to prove it. Experiments with laboratory rats have shown that, if one psychologist in the room laughs at something a rat does, all of the other psychologists in the room will laugh equally. Nobody wants to be left holding the joke - Garrison Keillor

London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years - Oscar Wilde

Informed decision-making comes from a long tradition of guessing and then blaming others for inadequate results - Scott Adams

God gave women intuition and femininity. Used properly, the combination easily jumbles the brain of any man I've ever met - Farrah Fawcett

Dope will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no dope
- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers

It is my observation that too many people are spending money that they haven't earned to buy things they don't need to impress people they don't like - Brandy Rhodes

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments - Earl Wilson

Man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much... the wheel, New York, wars, and so on, whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely the dolphins believed themselves to be more intelligent than man for precisely the same reasons - Douglas Adams

I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun! - Homer Simpson

The best defense against the atom bomb is not to be there when it goes off - British Army Journal

If at first you don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught, and then lie - Unknown

Some say: 'Love means never having to say you're sorry'. To me, love means never having to hear: 'Where's my friggin' rent, you lazy bastard ?!' in the first place - John Crocker

Entirely too much energy of our state police force is spent controlling honest citizens, simply because it is something they can succeed in doing - Robert W. Burke

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them
- William Clayton

And the award for worst costume this year goes to ... Stan, for his stupid little clown-thing costume. Let's all point at Stan and laugh, children! - Mr Garrison

Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly - Ambrose Bierce

This is an extract of an National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Army Lieutenant General Reinwald about sponsoring a Boy Scout Troop on his military installation.
Interviewer: "So, LTG Reinwald, what are you going to do with these young boys on their adventure holiday?"
LTG Reinwald: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."
Interviewer: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
LTG Reinwald: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range."
Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
LTG Reinwald: "I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm."
Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."
LTG Reinwald: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"
End of the interview

President Clinton says in this month’s 'Esquire' that he wants the Republicans who spoke against him during the impeachment to apologize to him. But the Republicans today said those were oral insults, and under Clinton’s logic, an oral insult is not really an insult - Jay Leno

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain - Lily Tomlin

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol - Unknown

Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it
- Maurice Chevalier

Consistency is contrary to nature, contrary to life. The only completely consistent people are dead
- Aldous Huxley

I hate the theatre. I also hate the sight of blood, but it's in my veins - Charlie Chaplin

Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be creamed? - Solomon Short

It is a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's seperation to ensure the propagation of the younger federation and the next generation - Eric Cartman

An average blue whale produces over 400 gallons of sperm. When it ejaculates, only 10% of that actually makes it into his mate. So 360 gallons are spilled into the ocean everytime one unloads, and you wonder why the ocean is so salty... - Unknown

The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money - Mikael Pawlo

I drink to make other people interesting - George Jean Nathan

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot - Jay Leno

You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat - Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio

If Darwin's theory of evolution was correct, cats would be able to operate a can opener by now
- Larry Wright

Never try to teach a pig to sing. You waste your time, and you annoy the pig - Mark Twain

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps - Renée Hicks

Trying is the first step towards failure - Homer Simpson

I'm at a stage in my life where I'm having a hard time caring about things. Fortunately, I don't care
- Jack Kolber

One of the worst things You can do as an actor, I think, is to forget your lines, and get so flustered you start stabbing the other actors - Jack Handey

Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in
- Monica (Friends)

Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks - unknown

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks - Joe E. Lewis

If a person feels he can't communicate, the least he can do is shut up about it - Tom Lehrer

I love women. I love every bone in their body. . . especially mine - Steve Tyler

Golf is like an 18-year-old girl with big boobs. You know it's wrong but you can't keep away from her
- Val Doonican

Is there anyone here tonight by the name of Hugh G. Rection? - Moe

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success - Robert Orben

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing - Werner von Braun

While I'm fully aware that money can't buy happiness, I wouldn't mind being known as that melancholy guy who drives the red Lamborghini Diablo - George Olson

You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six - Yogi Berra

My favorite thing about the Internet is that you get to go into the private world of real creeps without having to smell them - Penn Jillette

Do you wake up in the morning feeling sleepy and grumpy? Then you must be Snow White - David Frost

In America any boy may become President and I suppose it's just one of the risks he takes
- Adlai Stevenson

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones - Mike Barfield

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe
- Jimmy Durante

I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike
- Emile Henry Gauvreay

Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business - Tom Robbins

The way I understand it, the Russins are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks - Emo Philips

Happy is the man with a wife to tell him what to do and a secretary to do it - Lord Mancroft

We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities - Robin Williams

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet - Henry Youngman

If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be called research, would it? - Albert Einstein

The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward - John Maynard Keynes

Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking
- Jerome Lettvin

Probably no male human being is spared the terrifying shock of threatened castration at the sight of the female genitals - Sigmund Freud

Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down - Russell Baker

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done - Fred Allen

Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary - Frank L. Visco

A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel - Robert Frost

It is a known fact that men are practical, hardheaded realists, in contrast to women, who are romantic dreamers and actually believe that estrogenic skin cream must do something or they couldn't charge sixteen dollars for that little tiny jar - Jane Goodsell

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin -Jay Leno

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to some one else - Will Rogers

My idea of a good Christian is a priest who can speed-read the Mass, not a semi-demented American with a permanent grin - Harry Enfield

The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm
- Travis McGee

f you suck on a tit the movie gets an R rating. If you hack the tit off with an axe it will be PG
- Jack Nicholson

The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we have of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us - Quentin Crisp

An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax - David Letterman

God created the orgasm so that women can moan even when they are happy - Unknown

Sometimes I find myself thinking, rather wistfully, about Lao Tzu's famous dictum: 'Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish.' All around me I see something very different, let us say — a number of angry dwarfs trying to grill a whale - William Carlos Williams

The coward sneaks to death; the brave live on - Dr. George Sewell

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it - Winston Churchill

It has been said that a bride's attitude towards her betrothed can be summed up in three words: Aisle. Alter. Hymn - Frank Muir

Dogs come when they are called. Cats take a message and get back to you - Mary Bly

The trouble with weather forecasting is that it's right too often for us to ignore it and wrong too often for us to rely on it - Patrick Young

Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way - Unknown

I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me - Bette Midler

I tried phone sex - it gave me an ear infection - Richard Lewis

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone
- Elayne Boosler

Science is always wrong. It never solves a problem without creating ten more - George Bernard Shaw

The shortest distance between two points is always under construction - Noelie Alite

The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country... - Robert J Woodhead

If a man is talking in the forest, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?- Jenny Weber

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasel
- Homer Simpson

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling
- Paula Poundstone

It is a secret in the Oxford sense: you may tell it to only one person at a time - Oliver Franks

People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life - Faith Resnick

There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself - Johann Sebastian Bach

It's a sign of your own worth sometimes if you are hated by the right people - Miles Franklin

I am amazed at radio DJs today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for - Jasper Carrott

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!" - Henny Youngman

The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map - Murphy's Third Military Law

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of - Ogden Nash

His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker - Henny Youngman

Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops - Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word - Andrew Jackson

If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment - Dave Allen

In saying what is obvious, never choose cunning. Yelling works better - Cynthia Ozick

I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring - Mitch Hedberd

It is of interest to note that while some dolphins are reported to have learned English, up to fifty words used in correct context, no human being has been reported to have learned dolphinese - Carl Sagan

I hate the French because they are all slaves and wear wooden shoes - Oliver Goldsmith

The nice thing about being a heroin addict is that you either have no problems or one big one
- Richard Schuldenfrei

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization - Weinberg's Second Law

To carry a grudge is like being stung to death by one bee - William Walton

Those of us forced to read the London papers sometimes speculate about which is greater: the average British hack's sloth, mendacity, ignorance, obsequiousness, capacity for drink, or aversion to paying for that drink. Smart money tends to split between the latter two - An American journalist in London

The great nations have always acted like gangsters, and the small nations like prostitutes
- Stanley Kubrick

There's a huge hole in the whole Flood drama, because anything that could float or swim got away scot-free, and it was the idea to wipe out everything, He didn't say, "I will kill everything, except the floating ones and the swimming ones, who will get out due to a loophole" - Eddie Izzard

You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother - Albert Einstein

I think a man ought to get drunk at least twice a year just on principle, so he won't let himself get snotty about it - Raymond Chandler

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead. - Woody Allen

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you - A. Whitney Brown

Wal-mart... do they like make walls there? - Paris Hilton

The meeting of preparation with opportunity generates the offspring we call luck - Tony Robbins

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!" - Kevin

Talent in cheaper than table salt. What separates the talented individual from the successful one is a lot of hard work - Stephen King

The rules of soccer are very simple, basically it is this: if it moves, kick it. If it doesn't move, kick it until it does - Phil Woosnam

I don't know who you are or where you've come from, but from now on you'll do as I say, okay?
- Princess Leia

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped - Sam Levenson

Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious - Alan Minter

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine - David Letterman

A man can fail many times, but he isn't a failure until he begins to blame somebody else - John Burroughs

Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard - Dave Barry

If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done
- Scott Adams

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive - Rodney Dangerfield

It was based on the idea that all a man had to do was put his penis down a woman's throat and thrust and the woman was as satisfied as the man. Well, guess what? - Erica Jong

Where am I going? And why am I in this handbasket? - Unknown

I'd rather be riding my motorcycle thinking about God than sitting in church thinking about my motorcycle
- Unknown

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling - Jack Handy

It's a good thing the guy in charge of naming galaxies was into chocolate bars and not Chinese food. Otherwise, the Milky Way might have been named Moo Goo Gui Pan, and who wants to have to learn about that? - Paul Paternoster

No problem is so formidable that you can't walk away from it - Charles M. Schulz

In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown. The difference is, the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it
- Billy Crystal

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough - Mario Andretti

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced on television - Erma Bombeck

I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring - Mitch Hedberg

What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad - Dave Barry

This film cost $31 million. With that kind of money I could have invaded some country - Clint Eastwood

If at first you don't succeed... So much for skydiving - Henry Youngman

Four out of five politicians surveyed prefer unarmed, ignorant peasants - Unknown

I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts, and beer - Abraham Lincoln

I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say something funny then." I told them I had just graduated from flying school
- Ahmed Ahmed

I went to Euston: went to the tube and there was a loud bang. and we were sent out! Then we were sent out of the station so I half ran to Tavistock Place to catch a bus to Victoria. And then it went bang, so I thought "bugger that" - "Jeff", London, 7/7/05

The essence of Christianity is told to us in the Garden of Eden history. The fruit that was forbidden was on the Tree of Knowledge. The subtext is, All the suffering you have is because you wanted to find out what was going on. You could be in the Garden of Eden if you had just kept your fucking mouth shut and hadn't asked any questions - Frank Zappa

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper - Emo Phillips

Criticizing TV is second only to watching TV as an American pastime - Robert M. Batscha

The basic rule of human nature is that powerful people speak slowly and subservient people quickly - because if they don't speak fast nobody will listen to them - Michael Caine

Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood - Oscar Wilde

The beaver, which has come to represent Canada as the eagle does the United States and the lion Britain, is a flat-tailed, slow-witted, toothy rodent known to bite off it's own testicles or to stand under its own falling trees - June Callwood

Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

When I grow up I want to be a little boy - Joseph Heller

An athiest is a man with no invisible means of support - John Buchan

Success is a great deodorant
- Elizabeth Taylor

I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house - Lewis Grizzard

Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos - Homer Simpson

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting - Dave Barry

The world is more like it is now then it ever has before - Dwight Eisenhower

Whoever said 'nothings impossible' never tried to nail jell-o to a tree - Lisa Bryant

A cynic is just a man who found out when he was about ten that there wasn't any Santa Claus, and he's still upset - James Gould Cozzens

An economist is a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible - Alfred A. Knopf

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea - Jon Stewart

The secret to mountain biking is pretty simple. The slower you go the more likely it is you'll crash
- Julie Furtado

It shouldn't be too much of a surprise that the Internet has evolved into a force strong enough to reflect the greatest hopes and fears of those who use it. After all, it was designed to withstand nuclear war, not just the puny huffs and puffs of politicians and religious fanatics - Denise Caruso

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is - Erma Bombeck

Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like - Will Smith

And God said, "Let there be vodka!" And He saw that it was good. Then God said, "Let there be light!" And then He said, "Whoa - too much light." - unknown

The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again - George Miller

People who love sausage and people who believe in justice should never watch either of them being made
- Otto Bismark

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs - Dave Barry

Ninty percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad name - Henry Kissinger

Too much work, and no vacation,
Deserves at least a small libation.
So hail! my friends, and raise your glasses;
Work's the curse of the drinking classes
- Oscar Wilde

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit - Eric Porterfield

How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to journalists, and they believe what they read - Karl Kraus

We feel that animals have the same rights as a retarded human child - Alex Pacheco, Director, PETA

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper - Jerry Seinfeld

He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would fully suffice - Albert Einstein

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by - Stephen Wright

All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do not use a hammer - IBM maintenance manual

Christians are generally creepy people as a direct result of the dysfunctional dynamic of worshipping a dead naked hippie - Jim Marcus

Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em!"? - Bill Watterson

If life gives you a lemon, make lemonade. However — if life gives you a pickle, you might as well give up, because pickle-ade is disgusting." Clifton J. Gray

Penis size is not really important. Like they say, it's not the size of the boat, it's the length of the mast divided by the surface area of the mainsail and subtracted from the circumference of the bilge pump. Or something like that. Donna Untrael

The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting. T. H. White

Under capitalism - man exploits man. Under communism it's just the opposite. John Kenneth Galbraith